intoxicating...

i realized just now as i was rocking him that i would do every second of this again for one more whiff of that baby head smell.

i have told my friend deej, purveyor of the bubble roome line of bath and body products, that if he could bottle that smell and capture its likeness in a soap or body butter, he'd be a gajillionaire. in fact, i am shocked that demeter hasn't added the scent to its fragrance library.

so this is christmas--i hope you had fun

a big realization yesterday--

prompted by my last blog post, which left me feeling confused and with the dilemma as to whether or not i should take it down. i spoke with bdub about it and he asked me some very important questions:

why did you write it?
will it help someone else?
will it hurt anyone's feelings?

i wrote it to purge, to examine, to be honest.

i think it could help someone else, because it seems that new motherhood is supposed to be met with all sunshine and lollipops, and while max is my sunshine (especially these days), a lot of what surrounds me feels very gray. i don't think i am alone in that. i know it helps me when i get encouragement from others that they went or are going through the same thing.

it might hurt somebody's feelings.

then we talked about personal responsibility, and how it really bothers me when people don't take responsibility for themselves. and what i realized is that if i have felt isolated, then a large part of that is on my shoulders, whether i am in a place emotionally to deal with it or not. yes, i am fragile. yes, i am emotional and i am harboring a lot of anger (and i don't know what is prompting that or where it is coming from). but i am the only person who can take responsibility for it.

a part of doing that was admitting to myself that what i am feeling is not situational. bdub is here, and not at gigs (and i won't be on my own with max for a long night in the near future). it is christmas and we are together. i love this boy, i love my husband. so why am i still crying? why is the celine dion christmas album blasting in front of the stop and shop and the poster of obama in a boxing ring knocking out john mccain that i pass on flatbush avenue bringing me to tears? (god, i have such a love-hate relationship with my neighborhood).

we talked in the car and we agreed that i don't have to go on medication if i don't want to (and i really, really don't want to), unless i truly believe that it would do me and max more good than harm. we are taking positive steps by seeing The Professional who is closely observing me and who really cares. bdub is here to catch me when i fall.

so off we went to deanie's for a holiday party, and i didn't know how to feel. deanie is my one true friend up here. seriously. and of my true, deep, would cut off my pinky for them friends, i think i have about five or six total (one is deanie, one is my husband, one is my sister, you get the idea...). the last thing on earth i wanted to do was fall apart and continue the trend for the day (blubbering heap in the corner) in a semi-public arena.

to my surprise, i reconnected with so many great peeps, some of them new parents, some of them more seasoned, some of them grandparents. one was right there with me (or a month ahead anyway, which was a treat to see). two were expecting their second babies. they told me things like:

"the first months with my daughter were the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life." (katie, mother of stella, age 2)

"i feel like it took us about nine months to really get into a groove." (aaron, father to esme, almost 3)

"honey, the wistfulness will pass." (christine, mother to owen samuel danger, age 13 weeks and lucy)

"i don't remember a thing, just getting her up in the morning and taking her to art classes." (ted on his 30-something daughter julie, grandfather to matias, age 2) and in response, "yeah, that's because you didn't have to do anything." (his wife, cynthia)


and all of the young parents said the same thing to me, echoing their refrain:

"it gets easier, it gets easier, it gets easier...."

and i woke up this morning (despite another night of insomnia...i just wanted to hold max but i settled for being held by bdub), actually believing them.

"it gets easier." (noelle, mother to max, age 9.5 weeks)

on motherhood...the first two months

(author's note: despite my musings below, the worst is over for your misanthropic friend. no more lonely nights until at least the second week of january! we even have new year's eve off and the lovely mags --aka the TRUE baby whisperer-- swooping in to catch us all. and furthermore, the help i have had from the women who care about me has been a gift for my soul and i am grateful. we are blessed...but in the name of keeping it real, read below.)



this motherhood business is hard. i am over being too ashamed or embarrassed or afraid to admit that. in fact, i don't know how anyone does this. i look at other women i know, some of them who seem fragile as glass or like they could be knocked over with a feather, and they have all done this and seem happier and stronger for it, which just makes me wonder more, "then what the hell is wrong with me?"

the people who care about me, even The Professional whom i go to for guidance at $150 a pop, seem to think it is really important --critical, even-- that i ask for help and communicate what i need. since my head has been a-whirl with so many thoughts ("time to feed, time to diaper, time to take out the dog, time to pump, time to sleep, can't sleep") and so much rumination (last week the light bulb gleamed brightly as i discovered that i have been stringing together events, oversights, wrongs, misgivings...ruminating to such a degree that i have been creating my own narrative, or so sayeth The Professional...so at this point, i must even question, "what is real? was this how this really went down?"), asking for help hasn't been easy.

i ask for help in my nowlze way: "so, like, if you wanted to stop over or something...i mean, if you'll be around...feel free. of course, no big deal if you can't. it's cool. but if you just wanted to hang out or whatever, we'll be here...." not surprisingly, my method has proven ineffective. what i really need is this:

-consistent, reliable, no strings attached help when i need it, usually between the hours of four and ten, wherein i can make specific requests and not feel bad about it, ideally, from my husband who would --could?-- ideally work less at night for much, much more money (and for the sake of realness, he is a peach when he's around..it's that being around part and need to make a living that get in the way)

more specifically, i need:

-to pee

-to let out my dog

-to take a nap

-companionship

-to feel like myself

-to be invited to things i would have been invited to pre-baby, even if there is no way in hell i will be able to attend

-some healthy food, chock full of vitamin b and omega 3's and iron (which the midwife reminds me is low, and that i really need to be getting if i am breastfeeding, along with an extra 500 calories a day MORE than i ate when i was pregnant)...and which last i checked are not contained within the wheat thins, panda black licorice, macaroni and cheese in the blue box or even the four day's worth of defrosted lasagna that i have been shoveling down.

-a glass of water (supposedly 8 ounces at every feeding session--ha!), the remote, my phone, the computer, and a comfy pillow within my reach when i sit down to breast feed

-conversation free of problem solving about how i am not sleeping, the drama in west virginia, other moms who are doing great or have overcome unimaginable obstacles, like having twins, or how antidepressants are nothing to be ashamed of and that maybe i am just a little bit low in the seratonin department and that they won't affect my breast feeding

-an apartment next door for my mom

-another car, or even a reliable car service

-spring time

-to feel normal again, upbeat, positive, loving towards everyone in my life and not just max

-to be told, by anyone in my life, "i am coming over and picking you up and wrapping you up in my little wing. we are going to get you out of your house and take you to my house where you will eat and rest. when you have had enough, i am taking you home. i won't take "no" for an answer. and don't worry about the fucking car seat-- i will deal with it. and we will be traveling by car and i won't pressure you to take the subway since i know you aren't ready for that yet.

or, we can stay at your place and i will not look at you funny or get all quiet or act like it is not annoying when max cries. it's annoying. i will leave you alone or i will take him, whatever you want. and when you're in the bedroom with him, i will chill or do your dishes or take out the biscuit or make you some tea...but i won't abandon you. i will stay, even if i just sleep in the next room. you can shut the door, but you are not alone. "

24/7 realness

one of the most fascinating attributes of my son, max (now age 8 weeks, 4 days) is his propensity for complete and utter realness. an 8 1/2 week old does not know how to be fake, he cannot yet be coerced into pleasing us, he doesn't do stuff just to be cute.

i am finding, then, that the adorable coos that come right after he sneezes, the dimpled smiles that greet me in the morning, the velvet painted child's eyes that hold my gaze in love and wonderment....they've hooked me with their sincerity, grace, and truth. i'm done.

a little holiday cheer from the lasters

nothing beats a hannah anderson package arriving in the mail, especially when it contains goodies for both babe and beast!

check it:

max's soundtrack - october - november 2008

are you alright?- lucinda williams- west
when i'm sixty four- the beatles- sgt pepper's lonely hearts club band
comin' in from the cold- bob marley and the wailers- uprising
tiny dancer- elton john- greatest hits
the tide is high- blondie- autoamerican
i'm sticking with you- the velvet underground (sung by mom)- vu
let's get it on (live version)- marvin gaye- marvin gaye live
abc- the jackson five- abc
(what a) wonderful world...- sam cooke- best of sam cooke
don't worry baby- the beach boys- sounds of summer

the promise

i wish i could remember the exact date; let's say some time a couple of weeks ago. i looked upon him and promised him that i would never put my own shit upon him, never make him responsible for dealing with my shit. never lay by burdens on him and reverse the crucial roles of parent and child. love him fiercely. allow him to make his own mistakes, to fall down and get back up, to let go, loosen the strings and seek, find, love.

on motherhood

as i lie with babe beside me in his bassinet, i pray for sleep...for it to wash over me. for now i sleep with one eye open, ear to the cradle, brain prattling off the SIDS checklist, trying to reassure me that he is safe (no loose bedding, on his back, plenty of air circulation)... and as i ponder this loss--the loss of sleep and the fear of ultimate loss-- i think of my more selfish loss, too.

it is amazing how pregnancy prepares us for this sacrificial loss. i feel like for the better part of a year my body has been training me for loss. and here he is. and with every wave of emotion that rushes over me, every intense morsel of lovey goodness, the tide seems to take a little piece of the old me back with it. the girl (and yes, even a thirty-four i would still tend to view myself as a warped seventeen year old, a little reckless, a girl who would hoard love) without so many cares, whose life she had designed as such that she could go out on a figurative school night without fearing how she would feel in the morning...

love is funny this way. try as i might, i find it impossible to focus on the now, without looking to the past, to what i could have been until now, to how i could have loved my own mother more (as she made her way to the terminal i could think only of her sacrifice, and of the hundreds of times i had disappointed her or not loved her back). i think of the future: will he ever need me as much as he needs me now? will he ever know this love i have for him? should he?

the birth story

7:40 pm on saturday--started having contractions...different from others; rhythmic and dare i say enjoyable? i knew that this process was starting for real (i had lost my mucous plug the night before), and i enjoyed visualizing myself on top of the “wave”. i was calling upon so many resources i had over the last months....remembering an email from deidre and the idea of the time and space of contractions, thinking of them mathematically (and somehow, that did make them seem less powerful). i recalled the idea of riding a wave, and pictured myself floating atop them (and never tousled under), in a lotus position, looking peaceful. hippie, but true. i yoga’ed. i focused on my breath. i also thought- through every rush- of my zen friend, karen, and the idea that once i have the contraction, it is in the past and gone forever.



so i labored. i made soup. brian installed the car seat. i finished packing. i did everything but what i should have done, which was to get myself into BED!! i called karadean, i called my mom. i called deidre (my long distance doula and natural birth mentor!) who recommended that i call my midwife, have a glass of wine and get to sleep! she reminded me that i was about to run a marathon and would need to gear up.

sandy, my midwife, was glad that i called and also recommended that i get some rest. of course, rest was impossible. my contractions became more intense. i recall wanting to head in to the birthing center around 5 am, but brian was very instrumental in keeping me focused on our goal of not leaving until my contractions were four minutes apart....so i continued to labor. somewhere within that time my water broke (only as a trickle).

at about 11 am, we called sandy again and told her that we were thinking of coming in. she was surprised that she hadn’t heard from us earlier, which made me feel like i was doing well. we gathered up our things and headed down to fetch our friend joyous, who was caring for the biscuit and also riding along with us to the hospital. i had fewer intense contractions in the car, and recalled that being discussed in our childbirth classes: the tendency for contractions to get further apart and less intense as you move to new environments. this was evident throughout the process.

as we made our way to the front door of the hospital, i had a very intense contraction in the doorway. with my eyes closed, i leaned against the door and a stranger came up to me and said, “oh honey...you can do it” and touched me on the shoulder. a small thing, but a big part of my experience and the thread of connectivity i felt to women who had gone before.

we were welcomed by the nursing staff, one of whom was the wife of one of brian’s friends, adam armstrong (adam was the first musician brian met in new york who demonstrated to him how one can be both a successful musician and father). we were brought into the room, which looked more like a hotel room or a comfy bedroom than a delivery room. i was hooked up to a fetal monitor (which was required for just twenty minutes), and i labored there in a rocking chair while the nurse drew me a warm bath.

contractions:





i felt comforted, loved, and supported. i made my way to the bath, we put on music....the nurses gave brian a hair band and he tied up my hair. brian kept telling me that i was a jedi, and fed me pieces of a power bar. i felt so safe and loved, free to express my emotions, to cry, to let go.

the birth partner:





at my first cervical check, i had dilated to 7 cm, which is unusual for a first check!! we were thrilled. at the second check i was 9 cm, and right around the corner from pushing time. sandy offered me sorbet and ginger ale. everyone was so encouraging. at the third check, i still had a little “lip” of cervix to go.

the transitional stage was tough. i was feeling the baby’s head corkscrew down into the birth canal. sandy suggested that we walk the halls, and that i lean against her and pull on the rails of the walls when the contractions hit. i didn’t like the positions in the halls. i had to pee terribly, yet my bladder wouldn’t empty. i felt exposed. unsafe. with every reassurance that i wouldn’t push the baby out while in the hallway or on the toilet, i remained unconvinced.

we returned to the room and i tried, unsuccessfully, to push. my bladder just felt too full, so i was given a catheter (unmedicated), which hurt like hell and terrified me. there was a changeover of nurses, and my awesome little coven of faery wood nymphs split up and left. they were replaced by a nurse who was simply uninterested in assisting us with the process in the same way (she seemed more interested in what everyone was ordering from the takeout menu, myself not included). the instructions for pushing were overwhelming: “elbows out! pull on your legs! push! chin down! eyes closed! push! no-- not with your face! push!”

my contractions petered out. they were still intense, but few and far between. i knew that there was an emotional block for me with the pushing--what was i afraid of? i think i was afraid to parent, afraid that i wouldn’t love my child enough, afraid of who he would be and who i was becoming. sandy discussed my options with me, and told me that i would need to ramp these up. she suggested pitocin (and we had tried everything---black and blue cohosh, hours of nipple stimulation, squatting, bouncing, walking). i said that if we were transferring to labor and delivery and i would be getting pitocin, than i would be getting an epidural as well. to me, the dream was over, and to sandy, this meant that perhaps i would sleep and get my strength back up.

i knew as i was wheeled onto the elevator and brought to the next floor up that i was going through another transition, from a natural, normal birth to a medical one. i was immediately strapped to a continual fetal monitor, put into bed, given a blood pressure cuff (from which i still bear the marks on my upper left arm), brian was shoved aside. the attending doctor came in and gave me an internal exam--he seemed disinterested in my requests in general. it seemed that my nurse and sandy were at odds.

i was prepped for the epidural, and told that if i had a contraction while the needle was being inserted into my spine i was to hold still and not move. of course, just as i was being given this instruction, i began to have a contraction. i begged the anesthesiologist to wait just fifteen seconds to insert the needle, and was given no response (though i did believe that he waited. brian says otherwise.). this became a point of contention between brian and sandy and the anesthesiologist, and made me sad. it took three sticks with the needle, and i was numbed. numb to the process, numb from the waist down. i was given a catheter again and could have cared less. i was given pitocin and never felt a contraction. i slept for two hours.

i awoke and was asked if i was ready to push. i was. i pushed and pushed. they asked me if i was feeling the contractions and, barely, i was...enough to take advantage of them, to override them, show them who was boss and f@*&ing PUSH.

sandy could see the head and was saying, “all that black hair!” wha? black hair?! who was this little guy on his way out? brian was holding my left leg and breathing with me through every push. the nurse was annoying the crap out of me, kind of half- whining, “cmon. push. you can do it. push push push.” i chose to focus on sandy.

max made his arrival in a swish of poop, much of which was running down my thigh. he was suctioned, he let out the cry of the living and (thank god) was placed upon my chest. this squirmy, squishy, wide eyed little alien baby. here he was.

my body, on the other hand, was unsuccessfully delivering the placenta. it was “retracted”, and not coming out. i was hemorrhaging and passing out. brian was ushered out of the room and he and the baby were sent to the nursery. the attending doctor returned, this time with a resident who had popped in earlier to take a gander at my gaping vagina (without so much as introducing himself....asshole). both of them got to work on detaching my placenta as i began to feel myself getting woozy. the humorless attending found nothing but puzzlement in my interest in seeing the placenta, which i argued to him that i had grown in the past ten months and wanted to see what it looked like. after i was stabilized, brian said that he overheard the resident tell someone in the hall that they “probably wouldn’t need to take [me] up to the OR after all”. gulp.

once i was in order, i rested for a couple of hours with my sweet new boy. we were wheeled up to recovery, and most of the rest of that time immediately following max's arrival is a blur...

the hospital stay on the recovery floor was a mixed bag, but in general a good experience. max was so chill that he was the demo baby for “how to give a sponge bath”. he’s a nursing champ, and his discharge weight was the same as his birth weight! (7 lb 10 oz) . brian was present at max’s circumcision, as he believes that if he is going to have an elective procedure procedure performed on his child, then he is going to have the guts to bear witness to it and not turn a blind eye. so brave, both of my boys.

and as for me, i think it is obvious that i am in love. i feel like there is a magnifying glass on my heart, like in the grinch who stole christmas, and that is it bursting as my heart has grown three times its size. even through the sleepless nights, i cherish knowing that this phase will pass, and sadly i acknowledge that its all a phase, every day a milestone.

life is sweet

maximillian morgan wolfe arrived after 34 hours of labor on monday, october 20, 2008 at 3:31 am. 7 lb, 10 oz. 21 inches long. beautiful, amazing from head to toe.

the child barely cries. he nurses like a champ. he sleeps! what did i ever in my life do to deserve this beautiful boy? as the song goes,

"somewhere in my youth or childhood
i must have done something good."

yearbookin' the biscuit!

here's the biscuit circa 1968. that's one hep dog:





i really like this one, too. the glasses definitely add a distinguished flair:





however, it's clear that the biscuit would have really been a child of the eighties. in fact, i think i went to high school with these guys in wv (not during the eighties, but we were a little behind the times):






disturbing....


in baby news, today is my due date, and i think things may be moving along. i don't want to gross anybody out, so i won't post details....but i will say that i had a little visitor called "the mucous plug" last night (click here for a detailed explanation). sweet.

yearbook yourself!

once again, i am being a big old copycat of my friend kage....kage, i swear, imitation is the highest form of flattery and i adore you and your bloggy goodness. hope you don't mind, but i must share my yearbook photos with the dear readers!!

that said, your should all yearbook yourselves and send me a copy, or post the results on your own blogs!!! SO FUN!!


it is alarming how much this one looks like my mom:


but i think this one is my favorite....note the single long-stemmed rose and the solid gold dancer hair. that's hot!

the kicker

last night, bdub convinced me to see one of his favorite bands -rudder- with him. bdub is excellent friends with two of the members and LOVES their drummer (and welcomes any opportunity to hear him play).



apparently, he is not the only wolfeinelli who is enthralled with keith carlock. our little max, who has been pretty mellow lately (aside from some twists and turns during my yoga class) perked up quite a bit when keith hit the skins. i swear, i think he was kicking along to the bass drum. no kidding. perhaps we've got a third generation drummer on our hands? crazy.

plus, he has dropped a little! i am experiencing "the lightening", and i love it! it feels good to be able to take a deep breath again.

showered with love

i am truly a blessed woman.

it all started with my mom (or i think it did...apparently many peeps have been working undercover in the wolfeinelli showering department). this spring, she delightfully announced to me that she wanted to throw us a shower, and throw one she did.

brian and i arrived in morgantown one sunny weekend in august and spent a gorgeous sunday surrounded by friends (ours and parental) and family. the day was a smashing success, which is a good thing, considering irene may have been a bit frantic about hosting the event. in the preceding days and weeks, i was emailed about many a detail, from themes (nixed) to games (definitely nixed) to irene's confusion over our desire to have the affair be co-ed ("but what will the MEN do?"). i agreed wholeheartedly to a "diaper cake" centerpiece which the crafty irene erected three layers tall...it consisted of about sixty rolled up diapers and was festooned with pacifiers, rattles, and other cute little toys. truly a sight to behold.


(the above photo is an approximation...dare i say irene's diy version was even better)

when consulted numerous times of what to serve, i suggested some grilled pizzas, in the interest of keeping things economical, fun, and easy. this proved to be stress-inducing for our hosts, i could tell, and my dear friend katie --personal chef and kitchen goddess-- stepped in to relieve the worries. she was quite a hit with the recently or soon-to-be retired menfolk, who apparently decided that what they would do, as irene had so fretted over, would be to quiz katherine on how they could improve upon their skills as home cooks and gourmands. thanks again, katie. you are seriously a trooper.

the following month, a very sneaky kara dean and dylan threw another affair. smart lady and busy mom that she is, kara arranged several committees, including those involving food (dylan), set up (heather dawn) and decorations (joyous aka "the white tornado" and deej, purveyor of all things good).

"what tha...?!"


it was a spectacular affair and, once again, the weather gods smiled upon us. kara dean had many fun activities planned, such as a compilation of fabric squares covered in handwritten labor wishes and a betting pool predicting when max will arrive! deej created favors of handmade, signature scented baby shoe soaps from vintage molds. amazing.



finally, just a couple of weeks ago, i was informed of an evening job for parents mag. apparently, a reshoot was needed due to a horrible kids groomer who was hired in a pinch when i was not available. smugly, i said, "sure, i'll do the reshoot", only to arrive at another surprise shower! the parents peeps raided their goodie closet (which is NOT a myth-- these things really do exist) and gifted max with all manner of adorable baby things, plus a lovely spa gift certificate for mama.

aside from compiling a registry and the consulting sessions with irene, i had nothing to do with any of this...and i couldn't imagine planning three more lovely, fun, and stress-free (for me, anyway) events. to quote my new favorite book momma zen, "the unplanning was perfect". a good lesson for nowlze in letting go of control, which i am certain will come in handy in the days to come.

speaking of which, i am 37 weeks today. max is full term. *gulp*.

cuts like a knife

while i made bdub swear that he wouldn't tell ANYONE about the little incident i am going to reveal, i think i need to come clean. maybe i can help pregnant women everywhere who feel they have lost complete, utter, and total control of their emotions?

so we are driving home from a lovely two days in the berkshires yesterday (bdub played with the sweet divines at mass MoCA--highly recommended museum if you are ever in the area).

bryan adams' "heaven" comes on the radio (no--not RYan adams, the alt country indie darling. BRYan adams, the 80's cheeseball).

"oh, thinkin' about our younger years....

it was only you and me
we were young and wild and free...."

that was all it took. i crumpled into a puddle of mush. i didn't have a pretty cry, either, with a couple of nostalgic tears running down my cheeks that could be quietly wiped away with any sort of dignity. i bawled, snotty, ugly, and inconsolable, i kept repeating to bdub, "i am SUCH a DORK! i can't believe i am bawling over a stupid bryan adams song!"

upon relaying this story to my friend dylan, he assured me that my brother, jay, would lose all respect for me if i ever revealed this nugget of truth to him. if i ever had any punk rock credibility at any time, it, like so much of my former, stoic-in-the-face-of bad-80's pop- self, is gone with the wind. hormones are a funny thing that way.

thankfulness

this little conversation could be overheard at 92 hawthorne last night:

me:"bdub, thanks for making me soup."

bdub: "thanks for going to massachusetts with me this weekend."

me: "thanks for getting such a nice hotel room."

bdub: "thanks for letting me impregnate you."

new digs, no time to blog

we're all moved in! unbelievable!

i think that perhaps my stress level is starting to alleviate. after a hellish week, i was awoken at four am by a full bladder, and upon my return to bed had a tremendously cathartic and snotty cry. not at all a pretty cry, but one of those cries that really feels like one is exorcising demons (my demons being those of complete and utter irritability, focused nearly 100% towards my poor bdub, bless him).

so anyway, i actually had a weekend off to enjoy my new digs, which i have been looking forward to for months. i was booked for work every day this week, which left no time for any exploring of my new 'hood, and since exploring takes too much energy and my feet are seriously KILLING me, i have been laying low on the home front (the home front including kara dean's new digs as well) and nesting like a little bird.

all that we have left to do is the nursery and some accessorizing! i can't wait for my first opportunity to hit ikea and target, as i believe that these shopping trips and the storage and organizational products they promise will greatly improve my quality of life.

a fun development here at hawthorne street is the tremendous and practically instantaneous popularity of the biscuit. our building is full of the most adorable children i have ever seen, and once one of them knew the biscuit's name, it seemed like all of them were instantly smitten and dying to get a look at him and give him a pet. the other day, as i took out the biscuit for a pee, some 10-ish year old boy i had never seen before in my life came speeding by on his bike. he yelled to us, "hi biscuit!" and waved. who are you, sweet boy, and how do you know my dog?

pics of new place to follow, i promise. new pregnancy symptoms (as i am now 30 weeks) include:

-a perpetually full bladder
-a left foot that looks like a potato
-insomnia
-inability to see my toes
-difficulty picking objects up off of the floor (which can actually be quite amusing)
-the desire to want to bludgeon peeps who do me wrong

bump watch '08 continues

as per the request of readers everywhere (or...actually....just ehrrin keenan), here are a couple of preggo photos. i was a little over 26 weeks when these were taken.

i almost titled this post "down in fraggle rock" because i know i look like a fraggle in photos---lots of nose and quite the jim henson creation, and i cannot be convinced otherwise. see for yourself:


fraggles:















nowlze:















here are a couple of others:

























some variation of the last one, but with me holding an ultrasound photo, will appear in an upcoming issue of parents magazine accompanying an article about prenatal testing. while i am thrilled to have the photos and i heart the photographer (alexandra grablewski) to pieces, doing this little assignment for them was pure torture and decidedly not my idea. i will leave the wolfeinelli forays into modeling to the biscuit from now on.

since i'm thinking about it...

my poor dog. the other day, as i looked at his crumpled up mug, filled with longing to take a walk or cuddle as he gazed at me from across the room, i asked him, "what's wrong, tuna? does this doog need some love from mooma?" and i thought to myself, "how does this poor creature know his own name, much less mine?"

so i have set out to list all of his nicknames. my guess is that there are atleast a hundred and that most involve a double O...let's see:

actual name: the biscuit
registered name: RB's biscuits and gravy
nicknames:
1. bully
2. boolee
3. boo
4. the doog
5. sheena
6. sheena easton
7. judy
8. judy in the sky (? why? who calls their dog this?)
9. tuna
10. tuna doog
11. hot tuna
12. tune
13. poo
14. frida
15. mooney
16. poodle
17. shooter
18. shooter mcgavin
19. boogie
20. floozie
21. floo
22. tulip
23. mama's little tulip (ripped off from ehrin keenan's dog, the k bear)
24. shoonee
25. poot
26. pooter
27. boodee
28. biggie
29. toodle
30. goo
31. uncle mina
32. mina
33. hootchie mama
34. hootchie
35. hootch
36. hacker
37. dude
38. peanut
39. hooter
40. coodler (one who likes to coodle)
45. coodle doog (see above)
46. cood
47. pah poo
48. hootcha boolee
49. snoozie
50. nibbler

(let's stop there, for now...)

we found a place! HALLELUJAH!

and it's about @(*%$& time!

wolfeinelli inc headquarters will be moving to 92 hawthorne street in just 17 short days. i will not disclose the rent on here, as i do not discuss things like rents in greater new york city....this is because to those fine peeps who live in new york or other expensive metropolitan areas, our rent would seem like a STEAL, yet to those who live in less populated areas, it would appear more like a ripoff.

but i will say this: we are moving to a lovely block in prospect lefferts garden for little more than we pay now. we will be a mere six stops to the city on the Q train and just 2 blocks from prospect park! we will have two bedrooms in a lovely pre-war building with hardwood floors and great big windows. the unit is entirely renovated, as in the plastic is still on the toilet seat, so our hienies will be the first to sit on it. it is up one short flight of stairs--easy peasy for the biscuit and for transporting things like strollers and drum kits.

here are some pics:




i am psyched. while moving can be a bit of a stressful endeavor (or, atleast, the packing can), i love making lists of things to buy, going shopping for home bargains, decorating, picking out paint samples...the whole nine. i'm needing this fresh start. i am so over all of the annoyances of 89 maujer, starting with the pests (i think the final straw was the giant flying cockroach i came nose to nose with last week. horrifying.)

on another disturbing and frustrating note re. vermin: my animals have fleas!! first i noticed them on the biscuit, which is just ri-dingdong-diculous, because he was dosed with frontline. turns out that under all of that thick white fluff, the woob is also crawling with them. my theory is that they hopped on the woob during one of his suntanning sessions he likes to carry out on our patio table. because his outdoor visits are so brief, i didn't bother giving him a flea preventative. bad kitty-mama, i know. so now, both of our pets are swimming in chemically, flea-killing goodness (that i hope for baby max's sake doesn't get all over my fingers and cross through the placenta when i apply it to them.)

and in baby max news, i am now at 26 weeks! we just had our appointment with sandy woods, one of two midwives who will go through this pregnancy with us and possibly deliver the babe (it will be either sandy or corie macqueen, our other awesome midwife.) after drinking a really nasty orange liquid for my one hour glucose screening, i was weighed and measured and poked and prodded by sandy and given the "all good" prognosis once again. thank god. max is doing great in there...he even kicked when he heard his own heartbeat! i wonder where he gets that rhythm from?....

beaches, weddings, breakdowns...will the fun ever end?

pardon the space between posts....i have been a busy bee!

on june 17, my sweet friend doggie and i set out to meet up with katherine and the girls for our annual ladies' beach trip. though there were several omissions this time around, what with new babies and moves and the like, we still had an amazing time. the girls who were there (myself included) REALLY needed the break!

as always, we ate like queens: homemade waffles with a dollop of fresh amish cottage cheese and raspberries, cracked crab, fish tacos, grilled corn on the cob...it was as if the deliciousness never ended. plus, the weather was perfect and i got to warm the bun. apparently, babies in utero see rose colors when you lay out in the sun...who knew?



(beach babies circa 2004)

a couple of days after the beach trip, my tanned butt (along with brian, heather, and the biscuit) made its way down to wv for the wedding of my little brother chris to the little firecracker. i don't think i can find the words to describe how thrilled i am to have jen as part of our fold. jen rocks. she is sweet, funny, smart, a lover of all creatures, and an amazing woman. she's truly one of those people who can light up a room. a total catch. and little bro, of course, is no slouch himself.

i managed to offer a toast to them at the rehearsal dinner without losing my sh*t completely and dissolving into a puddle of tears (a big accomplishment for me, considering that i had not managed to do this at my sister's rehearsal dinner, wherein i had a bit of an emotional breakdown). anyhoo, the dinner was lovely and the wedding even more beautiful.

jen was one of those radiant brides who had a great time at her wedding and seemed to be more concerned with how everyone around her was doing rather than anyone "spoiling her special day" or any of that crap. of course, i did finally manage to lose it at the wedding....what can i say? i am a sucker for a photo montage. damn the background music and the dissolving frames! and why did they both have to be such cute kids? i was putty in their hands and can only pray that i didn't make too much of a blubbering fool of myself.

and here we are , back in brooklyn. the newlyweds are probably sunning their hides on a pebbly hawaiian beach as we speak. beth and the kids are still in morgantown, and my mom will head back to lake tahoe with them. i miss them already, as everytime i see them, they're different people. i feel like sadie had just warmed up to me (allowing me to soothe her, wrapping her little hand around my finger) and poof!! i am gone. it sucks, but such is life. hopefully, it will not be the better part of a year before we see each other again, so long as someone is a good traveller (max, i'm talking to you, buddy).

what a difference nine weeks makes

here's my belly at 12 weeks:





and here it is at 21 weeks:







i thought i had a massive bump at 12 weeks, and now at almost 22 weeks i feel like i look so huge! i know that a month and a half from now i'll probably look back on the 21 week pic and think, "that girl didn't know from huge!"

wha?

yesterday i was walking along 6th ave and west 4th street, when a fellow pointed at my belly and exclaimed to me, "hey! bun in the oven!"

all i could think to respond was "yep."

max's anatomy scan

today was my 20 week anatomy scan, which is essentially a very detailed ultrasound. i had warm gel squirted on my belly, and the technician, adelle, took all kinds of measurements from the images of max: lips, legs, arms, internal organs, his placement in the placenta, hands, feet, digits.

another technician took over, specifically to get images of the chambers of his heart, during which he preferred to flip and turn, so that took a while. she told me that something i ate must have been "very stimulating" for him, which, of course, has had me rethinking my orange juice intake (the only part of my eggs and toast breakfast which i can imagine would be "stimulating".)

a really sweet doctor came in to give me the results--MUCH nicer guy than the wiener doctor who was there for the NT scan. this guy actually seemed interested in how i was feeling, and asked me about my mother's pregnancies and if there were any complications. i told him i was one of five, and he said i needed to catch up, and that maybe next time it'll be twins.

hilarious.

max also quite enjoyed holding one foot with his hand during parts of the exam. both of the techs commented on it and it made them laugh. already the show off.



the results are that everything is fine, normal, perfect, etc. no problems. words cannot express my complete and utter relief.

bye for now!




(p.s. beezie, if you're reading: is it just my imagination, or does he already bear a striking resemblance to jasper, especially in the mouth?)

out of the mouth of babes

today i got to work with two of my favorite kiddie models, esther and georgia. they are vietnamese twin girls with two mommies, they are adopted, and they are AWESOME.

anyway, twin #1 (i think it was esther) looked at my belly and asked, "are you pregnant?"

"yes!" i replied enthusiastically to her.

and with this she stared right at me and said, "you know, you really should adopt."

this cracked me up. i told her that it was a little too late this time around, but maybe next time.

in other pregnancy news, i am feeling max move more and more. on a job a couple of weeks ago, i actually stood up and looked around because i thought i must have been sitting on a cell phone or a cable and receiving some sort of electric shock/vibration. the best way to describe these early flutters (and i feel them several times a day) is as if there is a goldfish swimming around just below my ribs, holding a tiny cellphone that is set to "vibrate". it's weird, but i like it.

culinary treasures of williamsburg

while bdub is away, nowlze shall...eat.

bdub is currently on a little mini-tour with my brightest diamond- southern california and then off to barcelona for just a wee festival before his return. the 'rents came up for a four day jaunt to NY this week, and we had a great time stuffing our faces.

day one we settled in at the cozy black betty for some mediterranean food with a moroccan twist-- moroccan paella for dad, a seafood stew for mom, a chickpea and zucchini stew for me (eh), and various mezze. not bad, though next time i will choose differenty for my entree. the mezze were delightful, though.

day two it was la locanda to satisfy our pasta cravings. how i love la locanda...back when i could actually drink a full glass or two of wine, i loved that they offered a nice house red for four dollars a glass. so cheap, so delish. mom had a puttanesca, dad the seafood pasta, and for me, the eggplant parm. la locanda is perfect comfort food when i am craving the italian american dishes of my girlhood sundays (though still not as good as nana's, of course).

day three was polish food at krolewski jadlo, or "king's feast", which is technically in greenpoint and one of my dad's favorites. i wasn't too keen on polish food, as generally their vegetarian options are all fried and fried food gives me wicked indigestion these days. but, what dad wants, dad gets, so long as he talks it up long enough that everyone gives in if only to quiet him. is that mean? i speak the truth. anyway, i had a plate of pierogi (boiled, not fried), some cucumber salad and a bowl of borscht. other highlights were mom's pickled cucumber soup, which was creamy, loaded with dill, slightly sour and, much to my surprise, served hot! mom also got the polish platter (pierogi, potato pancakes, stuffed cabbage, and sausage) and dad got ham hocks (eeewwww...).

king's feast is big on ambience, though. check it:


come for the 'staches, stay for the food:




day four was my favorite korean/japanese spot, miyako. we started with pa jun, my old standby (korean pancake with crab). i don't know how they manage to elevate the humble pancake to a crispy, fluffy, and (i kid you not) slightly creamy delight, but they do. i also got a california roll to satisfy my sushi craving along with tofu dol sut (tofu, veg, and rice served in a hot pot with sesame oil and chili sauce). mom got the beef dol sut, dad, the garlic shrimp. miyako is flavorful, light, healthy, and delicious. highly recommended over other sushi or korean spots in the 'hood.

pre-miyako, mom and i took advantage of the gorgeous weather and strolled up to fortunato brothers for gelato. i had the tiramisu, she- the coconut. insane. we also got a dozen pastries to take home, including their famous mini canoli and other delights. i think fortunato brothers' gelato needs to become a staple in entertaining houseguests...it's a nice walk from our apartment, and gelato provides the perfect respite from city madness. plus, who can be stressed, worn out, or anything but completely satisfied, really, when eating gelato?

eating aside, i am very grateful for the 'rents visit. despite some pretty loud tv running all day long and maybe some incessant chatter (dad, i'm looking at you), the 'rents are the ultimate in houseguests. i think the biscuit got something like three walks a day, which is crazy. woobie's litter was scooped, our back patio summerized (not an easy chore), our shower and bath scrubbed. i was chaffeured to all of my jobs. clothes were mended, the toaster oven de-crumbed, kitchen shelves dusted....my mom even cleaned up some cat pee and a dead cockroach. that's love.

oh boy...

yes, we're having a max (not a neve as i had convinced myself). it's crazy, because more and more, i had been picturing a little max running around....or, actually, being mellow and chilling out with me and his dad and his cousins. who knows? perhaps my instincts will be off with that personality assessment, too, but let's hope that they are more on point this time (i have felt from the beginning that i would either give birth to a crazy-lady girl or a mellow, easy-going boy.)

as much as i do love the precocious, little city girl with the striped tights sagging at the ankles over the jumpers and the mussed ponytail from riding the subway, i have let that dream go this time around....because really, that was a dream about stuff. and if i am going to be completely honest, a dream about a little version of me (that maybe i could "get right" a second time around.) egotistical? yes. i need to allow this little bean the autonomy of being nothing but himself.

already a lesson learned. still, i do have a healthy dose of fantasy lurking within, of a mini-bdub this time, but one of those sweet city kids who is savvy yet compassionate, confident and independent yet lovin' his mama, and with a world view which we never knew as kids...one that i pray will make him a person who sees more beyond himself. i have also realized from talking with my kick-ass husband that i can still raise an ass-kicking, strong feminist....after all, i married one.

but enough about me. here's to you, max. keep on kickin'. your mama loves you.

another milestone

within the last two days, two people whom i hadn't told i was PG commented on my pregnancy. i guess that means i am officially showing!

the first was a little old actor with whom i was working on these australian "webisodes". out of nowhere he asked me, "when are you due?" and when i told him he said, "i have a daughter...." and paused...and told me that he never really knew love until the day she was born.

the other was the biscuit's vet, dr. leiman (the one who shushed bdub). we took the biscuit in to see him today (i was convinced that le bisquit had pneumonia...long story, he's fine,) and after the exam concluded, dr. leiman said, "i have some really good literature about introducing a new baby to your dog" and proceeded to give us all of this good advice about keeping treats by the door for visitors to give the biscuit, and how to enter the home with a baby. it was so sweet! and so out of nowhere, because i was wearing a very loose tunic that is not especially bump-revealing.

how nice, though, that these comments have been helpful and encouraging. i'm just waiting for the bad parenting advice to ensue. maybe i can get one of these for after the little bean comes along:

dogs rule, babies drool

i know it's a little odd, but i speak the truth. should i be concerned that i "sqeeee!!!" when i see the pups, and not to much with the babies? i think i am missing that particular mama gene. maybe the switch will flip over in a couple of months?

case in point: i was walking from the subway today (and, consquently, i think that i need to be officially DONE carrying my bag up the subway steps...i believe the babe has already descended into the birth canal as a result of today's efforts.) coming towards me was a dad, a bored looking baby covered in one of those plastic rain stroller covers, and...the CUTEST little shi tzu! this little doogie howser md was seriously prancing through the puddles, hopping back and forth, side to side, and wearing the most adorable striped sweater to protect him from the cold. i smiled and said, "how cute!"....and i'm certain the dad thought i was talking about, you know, the actual baby.

but i wasn't. and for that, i do not feel badly. i speak the truth.

sniffly mama

i must have hormones in overdrive, because lately everything but EVERYTHING is making me weepy. here's a partial list:

-anything on tv having to do with animals, especially escape to chimp eden
-speeches by barack obama
-cuddle time with the biscuit (little does he know...so fleeting)
-any and all public protest, especially those having to do with the sean bell trial (his fiancee was arrested during the protest....what a strong woman.)
-all shows featuring babies, delivery, birth
-even my childbirth books! they're instructional books, for crying out loud!

this week has been stressful. family health issues, no time for nothin', work drama with the nasty lady (whom i refused to work with again....and with my insistence was actually heard and accepted by the booker for the job. crazy.)

the apartment hunt has begun in earnest with an email sent to our peeps, and trying to get an idea of what's out there on craigslist. i am not really looking forward to a long, drawn-out search-- which, hopefully, can be avoided--, but as our basement has flooded AGAIN this week (broken hot water heater, promptly repaired) and the little black ants continue to march along our kitchen counters and bathroom vanity, i look forward to a day with no pests, new appliances, and room for baby.

apologies for the lack of photos...i have two from "bump watch 2008" on the way.

ch-ch-ch-changes

bdub and i had a little talk about this renovation business, and now we're thinking of just trying to find a two bedroom apartment to move into, rather than subletting for two months and having to pack all of our stuff and put it into storage, only to have to move it all back (and likely relocate in a couple of years.)

i do love certain things about our place: the back patio of one. i love having my coffee and my breakfast out there in the summer. i love having parties out back, cooking dinner on the grill, planting my container garden... i think some outdoor space will be a priority for our next location, if it's possible.

i also like being on the ground floor, though it can be a little noisy. it's a piece of cake for bdub to load his drums in and out, and tending to the biscuit and his bathroom habits is a snap. i can only imagine how much more i will appreciate the ease of the ground floor with a babe in arms.

i will not, however, miss our little friendly creatures, such as the teeny tiny ants who appear every spring and the mice who tormented us through the winter. i will not miss the drafts. i will not miss the unfinished cracks and leaks everywhere, the panic of being away from home during rainstorms, freaking out that our kitchen and basement might be flooded (again). but overall, i love our place. finding a place with some love (and a cool landlord--we've had really nice, understanding landlords here) will be our challenge.

if you know of anything that fits the bill, shoot me an email or leave a comment! and please, whatever you do, please do not remind us that really "it's a great time to buy" and that we're just "throwing money away by renting"....we totally know that it's a great time to buy, and if you'd like to loan us the 100K for a down payment, let's talk! (or even if you have a spare $500-$800/month sitting around for a condo maintenance fee, we'll take that, too.) also, we don't believe that paying money is exchange for a nice place to live and put down some roots, raise a family, and do what we love in the city where we wish to be above any place else equals throwing money away. we appreciate the return on our investment that renting in brooklyn affords us!

good stuff

we received a couple of items of good news today!

dr. moritz called with the results of my NT scan (and it's about *bleepin'* time.) the results placed the baby at a 1:1800 risk for down syndrome and other trisomies. the good doctor said, "can't ask for any better than that!" which is great to hear, but also makes me feel old....at 34, i am practically a pregnancy dinosaur, just one digit and revolution around the sun from the dreaded "high risk" category, so we'll take our compliments where we can get 'em.

the other fantastic news is that our landlord, ruben, plans to renovate our apartment this summer! w00t! we really love wolfeinelli headquarters, but were afraid that its current setup (combined livingroom and bedroom with NO DOOR) was simply not conducive to sleep training an infant. ruben's idea is to put our NEW bedroom in the back or our apartment where our kitchen is currently, and then combine our NEW kitchen with our NEW living room and build a brand spankin' NEW bathroom. we're talking a gut renovation, so we will need to sublet during that time and work out some type of storage situation for all of our stuff. totally worth it, though, as we really do have a great space and we love our neighborhood!

such a relief, knowing that these things are gradually falling into place. i am so relieved, in fact, that i will not complain about another day from hell with lil' miss nasty.

i've got mouths to feed!

though my next musings are from exactly a month ago, they still reflect how i am feeling today: SICK of working at the freaking sports tv station.

i guess i have learned nothing from the trials of dooce (the [in]famous mom/blogger who lost her job as a result of blogging about her employer), but i just can't help it. i worked with a woman yesterday who is, by far, the most horrible person i have ever had to apply makeup to, for a myriad of reasons. she was like the anti-nowlze, and (i hope this doesn't sound too snooty) but for that, i feel sorry for her. i guess her mama just never taught her how to treat people well. poor girl.

i shall end my tenure at the sports station and welcome summer in approximately two months time, wherein i will beach it with my girls and all of the pain of sitting in a cold, dark, windowless room while eating crappy food and having some no-talent hack belittle me and treat all of my work friends like crap will have been worth it.


from 3/22: i've got mouths to feed!

for this reason, i am here at CBS college sports network (fka college sports tv). as it is the NCAA tournament, i have worked five days so far this week, and have five more to go before i (maybe) get a day off. i will continue to work for them three to fours days a week for the next month, and perhaps even longer (which would be fine, if i didn't also have photoshoots booked inbetween).

don't feel too sorry for me, though. when i am here at the tv station, of my ten- to sixteen-hour-long days (i am compensated with overtime), maybe an hour of them is actually spent applying makeup. the remaining nine to fifteen are taken up by reading, writing, "doing computer" (as my friend john kale in west virginia likes to say), watching tv, catching up on phone calls, and eating. i must find ways to make better use of my time and i am open to any/all suggestions.

but it's hard on a nowlze. i am tired. towards the end of the night, i want to pull my hair out. i go home and i am kind of mean and i usually cry for a little bit, thinking about having to wake up in the morning and do it all again. as much as i would like to go to bdub's gigs and see my friends, i just don't have one iota of energy left at the end of the night. so sad.

poppin' and lockin'

i popped today! for reals! i have an actual bump (and i am pretty sure it's not just gas.) in fact, a coworker who was privy to my "condition" even noticed with no prompting from moi. crazy.


here is a journal entry from 3/19 (another crazy pregnancy day):

it's alive! (or the closest thing to a religious experience of which i have ever felt)

i felt the baby today. of course, i didn't feel it kick or move or stir. but i felt it all the same.

after street to elevator, subway platform to train, i stepped through the open doors of the A with my kit in tow. three drummers sat in a circle in the center, and one kindly directed me to an open seat (hallelujah! this small act itself could perhaps prove the existence of a benevolent creator...and i wondered, did i look preg to him, or just exhausted? i felt both.)

i sat, closed my eyes. the rhythm, deep and clear, resonant and generations old, leapt into my throat and down to the babe. i felt it. it felt it. it was undeniable and here i sit on the next leg of my journey home. everything real to me at once.

i'm TARD

from 3/12:

i am a tired, tired girl. in fact, i am TARD, which is what bdub and i say when we are just plain exhausted. i keep feeling that 1:52 in the afternoon is way too early for a nap!

i am working tomorrow and friday, my first days of work since this serious exhaustion has hit. hope i will feel ok. sometimes i think it is just better to MOVE and be doing something to beat the exhaustion.

in much, much happier news, kara dean had her baby yesterday!! name TBD (update: his name is Ashland), but birth weight was NINE pounds, 5 ounces. allow me to repeat that: NINE pounds, 5 ounces. she is my pregnancy hero.

bdub and i will be heading to the hospital to see the new little guy tonight. kd says he's adorable: he already has a neck roll and one dimple on his cheek. her description alone makes me just want to eat him. is that cause for concern? that i want to eat my best friend's baby?

bdub has purchased a lead check test kit for our apartment. should there be any lead paint sneaking around any corners, under any layers, we are freaking OUT OF HERE. notice the hilarious packaging; i especially love the pregnant mom holding the little girl's (little boy's?) hand. the best part is that on the back it reads, "This test is not intended to replace an inspection by a licensed lead inspector or testing laboratory." oh. great. i feel safer already.

eight week appointment- this kid's got a tail!

from 3/10:

had our first doctor's appt today!

i am in such good hands. dr. moritz is a gem. i couldn't ask for a better doctor. plus, he delivered max roach's daughter's babies!! how crazy is that? if he's good enough for max roach, he's good enough for us.

he is also a bit of a tv star. here is a clip of him on abc news discussing eating disorders.

anyways, i gave about six vials of blood, had an ultrasound, and heard a big, beautiful heartbeat (about 150-160 BPM) and saw a gorgeous little bean, complete with tail stub and a gloriously beating heart. i could even make out the beginnings of tiny arms and legs and a head!

crazy. seriously crazy. bdub claims that if you hooked me up to a lie detector test and asked me if i secretly wanted the tail stub to stay, i would have to say "yes". this is true. i guess it has something to do with my mild obsession with the book Geek Love in my early twenties.

anyhoo, i got a bunch of prenatal vitamins, paid my $50 copay and that was that.

i can't describe the elation of seeing that heartbeat....nice and strong. plus, our due date is earlier than we had expected:

OCTOBER 18!!

that's brian wolfe day! what a coincidence! ehrrin keenan pointed out that already the bean knows how the wolfeinelli's roll, and is falling in line to arrive for our celebration.

symptoms thus far:

1. gas/constipation
2. fatigue
3. sore boobs
4. bloat
5. nausea

got one up the spout!

(twelve week ultrasound from NT scan)

finally! the breaking of the hiatus!

i hadn't wanted to spill the beans until i had the results of our NT scan, which involves measurements from an ultrasound coupled with bloodwork yadda yadda yadda. it has been nearly TWO WEEKS and i have yet to receive any bloodwork from St. Luke's-Roosevelt's fetal evaluation unit, so i will hereby declare that i am sick of worrying about it! i will throw caution to the wind, believe all is well (do i have any good reason not to believe so?) and share this new chapter of insanity in my life with you, dear readers.

i have been privately journaling in anticipation of sharing my news....my next few posts will be playing a little catchup from the last couple of months. enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


2/17/ 08

so this is what the hiatus has been all about: i am PREGNANT! KNOCKED UP! GOT A BUN IN THE OVEN!

currently i am in my fourth week and going on my fifth. naturally, i don't want to post about this on my big old blog for the whole wide world, so i am journaling until up to my first appointment.

i found out i was expecting a week and one day ago. i was CERTAIN i was getting my period...isn't it funny how pregnany and menstrual symptoms can be exactly the same? anyway, when i hadn't gotten my period i had suspected that very day and picked up a pregnancy test at walgreen's. sure enough, a big, fat plus sign emerged.

i think i stood in the bathroom for a good five minutes with my hand over my mouth, gasping at this stick, looking at it and myself in the mirror, thinking that this couldn't be happening. when bdub came home from his rehearsal, i left the door to the bathroom ajar and the light on. i hit "play" on bdub's ipod, as i had had it set to the song, "let's have a baby" by our friend mike viola. some lyrics:

"you might think
we need more space
you might think
new york is not the place
you might think
but don't think
let's have a baby!"

bdub took this as a sign that i wanted to make a baby then and there, until i steered him to the bathroom sink. balancing on the edge of it was my pee stick. bdub's first words:

"i think i need to sit down."

then we hugged and kissed and cried a little. it was very special.

so here we are. one week later, still pregnant! i have my first doctor's appointment on march 10 with dr. moritz, an amazing doctor with the ny women's health clinic at roosevelt hospital. dr. moritz comes at the recommendation of kara dean, my new york pregnancy guru. SOOOOO relieved that i can check finding a great doctor off of the list (and he takes our insurance, thank god).

symptoms so far (in order of severity):
1. gas/constipation (is that tmi? whatever. it's true.)
2. fatigue
3. sore boobs

screw the hiatus

101 74 things that piss me off

1. slow computers
2. stepping in dog poop
3. gas
4. corn and corn products
5. foodies
6. my messy apartment
7. heat on a timer and lack of a thermostat (not all of us work a 9-5...brrr)
8. my upstairs neighbors
9. mice
10. my landlord (most of the time)
11. sore boobs
12. lack of space
13. lack of work
14. lip service
15. impatient honkers
16. traffic
17. litter
18. clutter
19. noise
20. the ADD that accompanies living in nyc (i need room to think!)
21. our trashcan that never shuts
22. halitosis
23. hormones
24. paying money for crappy food
25. disorganization
26. hangnails
27. bloat
28. waiting on checks
29. taxes
30. disrepair
31. cheesy bands
32. flab
33. lack of motivation
34. dust bunnies
35. split ends
36. grays
37. nuts & gum
38. unfinished business
39. uti's
40. sluggishness
41. impatience
42. the slow tick of the clock
43. peeps who do me wrong
44. wet bandaids
45. pruny fingers
46. stubble
47. lack of a pedicure
48. zits
49. bad dog owners
50. meatheads
51. jerks
52. cheeseballs
53. smarmy men
54. nyc snobs
55. nyc rents
56. pollution
57. provincialism
58. sexism
59. racism
60. lack of free healthcare
61. george bush et al
62. rotten produce
63. know it alls
64. phonies
65. mildew
66. mold
67. must
68. rapid fire text messaging
69. exhaustion
70. insomnia
71. snorers
72. headbutters (biscuit, i'm talking to you)
73. pests
74. unfinished business

(....aah....that's better...)

but before i go (and while i'm feeling listy)...

100 things that make me happy

1. having bdub in my life
2. morning snuggling (and evening snuggling)
3. having a dog who likes to spoon
4. new york on the first day of spring, when the chairs and tables are being put outside at the restaurants
5. the snow that looks all sparkly and windswept, like a sugary blanket
6. mushroom thyme pizza from the brick oven gallery
7. reunions (especially with family and my beach girls)
8. catching up with my peeps
9. composing random and ridiculous songs with the dub
10. making my peeps something delicious
11. fish tacos on a hot day
12. homemade italian wedding soup on a cold day
13. care packages
14. bi bim bop
15. my nephew's imagination
16. my niece's smile once she warms up to you
17. the biscuit's desperate stretching
18. wiles's toothy grin
19. road trips (and getting taco bell-our guilty pleasure- and bdub always saying, "i'm buying!")
20. an icy soda
21. the feeling after a good workout
22. a smooth day at work with fun peeps
23. sunshine (trite but true)
24. lying on the sand in 80 degree weather
25. katherine's back porch
26. ehrrin keenan's facial expressions and tiny little fingers
27. belly laughs
28. a good afternoon at gabe's
29. the mint cookie chai or moon pie tea at the roebling tea room
30. seeing/hearing people i love play music
31. dog runs
32. kick ass delis
33. trader joe's
34. new makeup that fills a void in my kit
35. getting out of the city for a little bit
36. homemade ravioli with fresh tomato sauce (preferably nana's)
37. anything made by nana
38. the security of my marriage
39. woobie's luxuriously soft fur
40. the biscuit's frito-licious scent
41. animals in general
42. starting a new roll of tape
43. opening most fresh things (the first dip into most jars of food)
44. a clean house (my own)
45. a good party
46. a great rock and roll show
47. good wine
48. veggie bacon
49. warm boots, coat and mittens in the winter
50. going down the steps of the subway just as the train pulls in
51. a seat on the train
52. little kids in the seat next to me leaning on me as we ride the train
53. girls nights
54. good naps
55. christopher guest movies
56. green and black's chocolate
57. cheese. any and all.
58. baby pigs. pink ones.
59. clear skin
60. home organization
61. a good book
62. new underwear and bras
63. shitkickers (both the boots and the people)
64. thai food delivery
65. finger food
66. the rat zapper
67. hikes in the woods with dogs
68. the canals in amsterdam
69. the biscuit licking my face
70. guitar hero
71. our back patio in the summer
72. bubble baths
73. a stocked fridge
74. "aha!" moments (not to get all oprah...)
75. personal growth
76. billy bragg's "a new england"
77. guided by voices' "glad girls"
78. the cozy nook
79. evenings of interpretive dance at 89 maujer
80. a good magazine
81. fresh summer tomatoes
82. the photography and recipes on 101 cookbooks
83. the crunch of fall leaves
84. country roads
85. house parties in west virginia in the summertime
86. campfires
87. vegetable gardens
88. puppy freakouts
89. a good game of scrabble
90. female bonding
91. amy sedaris
92. a kick ass massage
93. pedicures
94. a perfect haircut (which includes a great blowout)
95. fresh juice straight from the juicer
96. good eggs
97. time to primp
98. jeff a's utterances (hilarious, true, and cutting)
99. weekends off
100. the smell of coffee (how i miss you...)

101 things in 1001 days

so my hiatus will be broken by this post...i couldn't keep this rad idea to myself.

here's the website that explains the project: in a nutshell, you must come up with a list of 101 tasks you would like to complete within 1001 days. the criteria is that the tasks must be specific with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. they also must be realistic and stretching. so here are mine:

PERSONAL:
1- finish this list!!!
2- decide on and buy new glasses
3- repair computer
4- use reusable bags when going to the grocery store
5- go to the farmer's market once a week for an entire season
6- copy all of nana's recipes from her (while cooking with her)
7- join a community music ensemble
8- with bdub, finish lawsuit (get information subpoena as a start)
9- replace running shoes
10- take mom out for a real british high tea
11- make a pushpin travel map for bdub
12- watch less television
13- spend atleast one day a year with individual siblings (0/4)
14- make a toast
15- have a weekly dinner (or other) date
16- live la dolce vita!


FINANCIAL:
17- pay off the car
18- establish credit (use a credit card and pay it off monthly) (<- 768! not bad!)
19- open a savings account and come up with a realistic goal
20- cut back on cable tv services
21- combine cell phone plans


PHYSICAL:
22- see doctor about sciatica
23- go to the dentist
24- attend regular yoga classes (atleast once a week for atleast two months)
25- get acupuncture
26- conceive and have a healthy pregnancy
27- give birth
28- establish a regular exercise routine (3 x/week for atleast two months)
29- get down to 120 pounds
30- get laser resurfacing (or other applicable procedure) to eliminate acne scars/pock marks
31- grow out my nails
32- wear my cute clothes and shoes that just sit in my closet
33- walk the dog daily for a month (atleast)
34- floss regularly (daily)
35- drink more water!


APARTMENT:
36- purge and organize all areas of our apartment
37- figure out a plan for the basement to make it livable and then do it!
38- purge my closet (and restock with better stuff!)
39- add to equine paint-by-numbers collection (2/8) and then frame and hang
40- buy a solid piece of danish modern furniture
41- get rid of all evidence of mouse infestation
42- install a shelf in the bathroom
43- repair front door
44- maximize all space
45- organize books and replace bookshelf
46- replace the @*&$%!ing trashcan!
47- buy a file cabinet
48- corral mail


TRAVEL:
49- go camping upstate or in pa
50- travel to italy
51- travel to spain
52- go to a dog-friendly b & b
53- go snowboarding
54- go icefishing
55- go to dia: beacon
56- take the biscuit to the ft tryon park dog run
57- go horseback riding
58- attend sxsw
59- go on a cross country road trip!
60- go to warhol museum
61- go to brighton beach (russian disco, yes?)


PROFESSIONAL:
62- complete three beauty tests (organize, shoot, get useable prints) (0/3)
63- complete three fashion tests (organize, shoot, get useable prints (0/3)
64- upgrade 50% of products in both hair and makeup kits
65- do a mailing
66- create beauty blog
67- take some lessons to improve hairstyling
68- learn to trim bangs
69- learn to airbrush
70- redesign website
71- get bio up on arthouse's website
72- talk with david about career
73- examine other career avenues
74- pursue a side income


SPIRITUAL/INTERPERSONAL:
75- attend services at the unitarian church
76- volunteer regularly (once a month to start)
77- volunteer with animals
78- silently count to ten when getting frustrated or tempted to say something stupid/mean/thoughtless
79- live more compassionately
80- get the biscuit to become a certified therapy dog
81- spend more time with elderly people
82- pray or meditate daily/nightly
83- stop gossiping
84- forgive those who have done me wrong
85- maintain strong family ties (weekly contact with all relatives)


EDUCATIONAL:
86- take a theramin class and establish a weekly practice schedule
87- bake a souffle
88- make borscht
89- learn photoshop
90- get certified in cpr
91- make homemade tamales
92- make dilly beans
93- sew a cute skirt for myself
94- bake homemade bread
95- take a dance class
96- take a self-defense course
97- finish reading a people's history of the united states
98- read hegemony or survival
99- learn to make cheese
100- learn the tarantella
101- learn guitar well enough to sing around a campfire or to babies


..and now i will take leave of this blog once again while i pursue those things on my list, and some not on my list. ciao ciao!