bump watch '08 continues

as per the request of readers everywhere (or...actually....just ehrrin keenan), here are a couple of preggo photos. i was a little over 26 weeks when these were taken.

i almost titled this post "down in fraggle rock" because i know i look like a fraggle in photos---lots of nose and quite the jim henson creation, and i cannot be convinced otherwise. see for yourself:


fraggles:















nowlze:















here are a couple of others:

























some variation of the last one, but with me holding an ultrasound photo, will appear in an upcoming issue of parents magazine accompanying an article about prenatal testing. while i am thrilled to have the photos and i heart the photographer (alexandra grablewski) to pieces, doing this little assignment for them was pure torture and decidedly not my idea. i will leave the wolfeinelli forays into modeling to the biscuit from now on.

out of the mouth of babes

today i got to work with two of my favorite kiddie models, esther and georgia. they are vietnamese twin girls with two mommies, they are adopted, and they are AWESOME.

anyway, twin #1 (i think it was esther) looked at my belly and asked, "are you pregnant?"

"yes!" i replied enthusiastically to her.

and with this she stared right at me and said, "you know, you really should adopt."

this cracked me up. i told her that it was a little too late this time around, but maybe next time.

in other pregnancy news, i am feeling max move more and more. on a job a couple of weeks ago, i actually stood up and looked around because i thought i must have been sitting on a cell phone or a cable and receiving some sort of electric shock/vibration. the best way to describe these early flutters (and i feel them several times a day) is as if there is a goldfish swimming around just below my ribs, holding a tiny cellphone that is set to "vibrate". it's weird, but i like it.

and for our next kill....

...i wussed out and called my sister in law and her boyfriend, nick.

heather, if you are reading, let me just say this: a man who will come over to your sister in law's apartment at 1 am to help her dispose of a dead baby mouse is one thing--a keeper.

(and here they are, dumping the contents of the zapper:)



of course, last night as i settled in for a relaxing evening at home (this was pre-kill), i thought i would give my email one last check. this appeared in my inbox:


Hi, Noelle,

I know this is rather last minute, and we've never worked together, but I ran into your website when I was searching for a makeup artist.

I have a test shoot tomorrow night (January 26) from 5:30-9ish, with Tara from DNA Models. My regular makeup artist had to decline due to a job, and I've exhausted my other resources.

Please let me know if you're interested."

i looked at his website and it is killer, just the kind of stuff i need for my book.

alas, i was too late. in the two hours between him sending me his email and my reply, he had already found someone for the job.

ah well, atleast i made a new contact, i suppose. one who already has a regular makeup artist. (argh.)

not so good.

today is not such a good day.

in fact, i believe that i have been putting off blogging since my last post due to the series of not so good days that have followed it. time to come clean.

i firmly believe that my career is in the toilet. i have compiled this list of jobs that have fallen through over the last few weeks (and, this is after waiting patiently for things to "pick up" at the new agency....to adjust, to allow for clients to get used to me at a new place, to get my new promotional materials in order. that was back in september. it is now january)

i have been busting my ass trying to find better photographers to do test shoots with. i have sent probably one hundred emails, i have put the word out to anyone and everyone that i know in the industry, asking them to keep me in mind should they know of anyone who is testing. for those of you who don't know, testing is usually free. it is done to improve the quality of one's work and to showcase your skill. it is done to build your portfolio. my potfolio looks dated and amateur due to the pool of photographers i have worked with (no offense, guys, if you're reading) as well as my hiatus from testing due to working with the kids, and is not up to snuff. it is imperative that i build it, but it's as if i am lost at sea when i comes to finding very professional, talented people to work with.

so here's the list:

12/30: spec shoot for an indie mag with promising photographer who contacted me. apparently she had "promised" a friend that they could do makeup on the shoot, so she called me to cancel.

1/5 and 1/6: look book (like a mini-catalog) with photographer who contacted me from via the internet, asked me if i was available for the job, set the rate, i agreed....and then she never contacted me again. i emailed her at the beginning of that week and was told that they got someone else and would contact me for work in the future. um, no thanks. i prefer to work with people who don't screw me at the last minute.

1/18: recommended by a friend for a kid's commercial. email the contact, they reply, i reply....then i don't hear another word from them. i email again asking if they still need me, and dude replies (out of NOWHERE), "i like to meet people before i work with them. you would have to meet with me first." i find this to be shady (which it is in my field, especially since this was never brought up until two days before the shoot date) so that job was also canned.

1/21-1/25: was contacted by a photographer's assistant (for a great photographer) about doing paid testing during this week. i agree and say i am available. never heard from them again.

1/23: photo editor from real simple called; had been trying to find me and wants to book me. i say i am available and to call david, my booker. my booker thinks i am doing the paid testing as mentioned above and tells her i am already booked.

1/24: got an email from a good friend and former photo editor at a kid's mag; she now works at a shopping mag. asked if i was available for the 24th to shoot the cover (which would require hair and makeup for one woman). i don't hear anything from her again, so i email her. she tells me that since i am represented as a kid's groomer, she feels uneasy booking me for this (it's her first cover with the new mag). i direct her to my website which has my makeup work on it (not just kids). i don't hear from her again and i don't get the job.

1/28-2/2: i was what is known as an "option" for a catalog shooting in miami during this week (this means that they asked to see my book and had me tentatively hold the days). worked with the client before, they requested my book again. i didn't accept work on the 29th for fear i would have to cancel at the last minute. needless to say, i did not get the catalog job. i am also out the tv job on the 29th.

what is going on with me?
is this a sign?
should i move it along?
start over?
work harder?
change trajectories?
did i make a huge mistake going with this agency?

i feel as if i am completely lost. just lost. i don't know what to do. i have money in the bank but i am so scared of it running out. i am way below what i was making last year at this time. not only am i not getting new jobs, i feel as if i am LOSING clients from jobs i have gotten in the past, and i don't understand it.

i work hard, i am punctual, i try to be as positive as possible on the job, i am helpful, i try for my work to be clean, precise, beautiful, neat, deep, and most importantly, whatever is called for by the client. i wrangle the kids on set (i wipe their noses and sing to them and make them smile). i try to take good care of whomever is in my chair. i am even nice to the stage moms who i want to punch half of the time (even when no one else is).

?

VERY put off!! (or the following can suck it)

it is friday. over the past three days i have been working for a bunch of ingrates, busting my butt to make the precious client happy.

let me rewind a bit. i received a call from a production company whom we will call "crappy production services". CPS, as they will herein be known, is a production co. that essentially whores out their crew to the lowest bidder. they pay a flat rate for makeup (which is ridiculous, as rates vary from job to job), and then charge the client a markup of who knows how much.

for this particular job, i was to be working on an infomercial for a major retail chain that likes to move into poor communities, destroy small businesses, is anti-union, and sells a bunch of gross crap. additionally, i can now say with certainty that the execs at walmart (oops--did i just say walmart?) are rude, pompous, and extremely cheap.

CPS whored me and my makeup artist friend out to an even crappier production company who then whored us out to walmart at half of our normal day rate, not telling us that this job would last for three days until the day before we started shooting (i was on a "light hold" but never given any information as to whether they would be honoring that hold until the eleventh hour. this makes for a stressful predicament for a freelancer). we were also not told whether or not this would be on national television. we were also not given an address or call time until the evening before shooting (after business hours, i might add).

i was only told that my friend and i were to do makeup and "very light hairstyling" for four women. this turned into full hair and makeup, and it was to look consistent over the course of three days. i immediately knew that it would be necessary to have my friend booked for the additional two days. my queries to anyone who would listen about this or provide me with any information (including my contact at CPS) fell on deaf ears.

someone took pity on me and directed me to the client, to whom i introduced myself and then asked, "do you think it would be possible to hire the second makeup artist for an additional two days? i don't know if you are the correct person for me to ask, but if you would know whom to speak to, that'd be great!" they peered up from their laptops, and mumbled that they weren't sure about the hiring, but directed me to the production manager...i had no clue as to whom this was, as i was not given a call sheet, a schedule, or anyone's name (nor did anybody introduce themselves).

i finally located and went to the production manager with whom they recommended that i speak, and she immediately drilled me:

"DID YOU ASK THE CLIENT ABOUT HIRING ANOTHER MAKEUP ARTIST?

THAT WAS A BIG NO NO!!

THEY WERE VERY PUT OFF BY YOU!!"

i could have punched her. i almost did, actually. when i told her that someone pointed me to the precious client, she jumped on me again:

"WELL, WHO TOLD YOU THAT??"

i refused to engage in her madness. i explained that i had asked my contact at CPS, who could not tell me if it was possible. that i did not discuss money with the client- that i simply asked them a question.

towards the end of the day, my completely useless contact at CPS said to me and my friend, "good night girls" to which i replied "bye" and then stopped for a minute and asked "are we wrapped now?" (usually you don't say your goodbyes until the day is done. duh.)

production manager, again, chimed in and said to me, "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE WRAPPED! I DON'T THINK YOU'RE WRAPPED! YOU NEED TO ASK THE DIRECTOR THAT!"

suffice to say that over the course of the next two days, word must have spread from this psycho of the horrible diva-like makeup artists(!!), as the director, producer, production manager and client completely ignored us (even when we said hello and goodbye, or "how ya doing?" or other various things, like "thank you" at the end of the shoot). the only bright spot is that they finally did agree that it would be necessary to hire my friend for the additional two days, which was a good thing, considering that on day two we had an ADDITIONAL 19 actors, and on day three an additional six actors portraying walmart employees as well as atleast ten extras (i lost count).

i have worked with major companies and brands in every capacity during the whole of my career, several retailers (such as kmart, macy's, belk, marshall field, you name it) as well as huge brands such as pepsi, visa, the nfl, and american express, and i have NEVER experienced a client being less than gracious to me. ever. i have also worked with television producers for major networks, and all of them have been kind, complimentary to their crew, and effective communicators. before this job, i had never been yelled at by a director, scolded by a production manager, or ignored by my main contact.

i am seriously considering writing a little paragraph or two about my experience and sending it to walmartsucks.org, but i think i'll wait until i'm paid.

on a smaller note, it is also nice on jobs to get a break to eat (usually one hour, which is required by unions--but what does walmart care about unions?). it is nice to be provided with water so as to remain hydrated. it is lovely, when working your butt off, to be given your space, rather than to be hounded every five minutes as to when you will be done and told, "just fix them up to about 80%". that is a direct quote from the director of the project (whom they scabbed in from michigan, as they're clearly too cheap to hire any number of talented directors from new york). i held my tongue and did not ask him which 20% he would like for me to omit (covering up the bags under their eyes? giving them powder? should i line both eyes, or just one?).

therefore, the following people can suck it:

crappy production service
whored out production company
jerk production manager
talentless director
walmart
walmart execs
the 100 or so crappy actors who don't know when to just shut the hell up and realize that no, it's not all about them and their incessant need for attention.

the hair that beat me

it started out like any other job. i received the call sheet, which provided me the following answers to my questions of how many people are we talking here? what all will we need to do?

24 models.
4 makeup artists (to do makeup and hair).
two assistants.
one makeup artist doing just body makeup.
one photographer shooting for PR things, one shooting for web. plus some models will be in a green room.

i received a call from the booker for the job. i asked if i needed to bring anything special and was told no. i asked what this was for and he told me "PR photos...billboards and the website...things like that".

i arrived with minutes to spare...we were told to make them look pretty and fresh, and that we were to have just twenty minutes to get each person ready and to work FAST.

fine. we got to work. i completed looks on three models and was working on my fourth when all hell broke loose.

"they need to look just like they looked yesterday" (yesterday? what the hell were they doing yesterday?)
"they need to be really stylized, edgy, and modern" (the complete opposite of the 'pretty and fresh' we just spent the last hour perfecting....and i HATE the term 'edgy')

one of the artists asked:
"do you have photos to show us of what they did yesterday?"

"no! just ask the models what they had! we don't have forty five minutes to find you pictures!" snapped some fat ass queen with a little dog.

(of course, i consulted with the eighteen year old girl from wisconsin who was sitting in my chair about her look, and she replied to me, "i dunno....i guess my eyes looked kind of black....")

great.

once we convinced the producers that we needed photos, they downloaded some to a laptop--candid shots from the day before, some from far away, some of people just hanging out....not the best of scenarios from which to replicate a hairstyle or makeup look.

and those with the most extensive, tricked-out, and, dare i say?, complicated styles seemed to gravitate towards me (or maybe it just felt that way).

i decided to be up for the challenge. after all, i can do "photoshoot hair": a million pins in the back and tons of spray. it needed to look good enough that they could work it from the front to almost profile.

the first girl who had sat in my chair (whom i had just spent twenty minutes curling into a fresh, tousled 'do) required a very sleek twist up into a mohawk with the ends sprayed out onto her forehead. i did my best. i determined that it was not my best work, but passable.

another girl slunk over towards me and....what was this?? oh no.

it seemed that yesterday her hair was styled with rats, these spongy things that one can put into one's hair to create the illusion of...well...more hair:


it seemed that yesterday, the hairstylist had pinned these rats all along the nape of her neck, and rolled the ends of her hair over them. this created a modern bettie page-ish look. she also had rolled bangs like this:


needless to say, these types of styles are not exactly my forte (and that's putting it mildly). i did the best i could. i pinned some rollers i had thrown into my bag underneath and brushed her hair over top of them to create the rolled illusion...i figured (though i never like to rely on retouching photos), that they would retouch the hell out of these and they only had to stay in as long as it took her to shoot the photo.

i went onto the set. my heart stopped, as i realized that by "green room", they didn't mean the typical "green room" (as in, waiting area....like on david letterman, when they refer to their guests as "waiting in the green room"). they meant, instead, "green screen".....which is a very different concept. a green screen is the backdrop to a video shoot, wherein the subject will do their thing, and later a background will be superimposed in, like this:



i was in some serious trouble. my "photoshoot hair", with it's hundreds of pins in the back, was not going to cut it. this model needed to be prepared to twist and turn, to strut and twirl, in front of that green screen.

so i started again. i removed my temporary "rat rollers". i curled. i pinned under. i thought it looked great.

i was asked to change it. they wanted it to look "exactly like yesterday....more 'fashion'" (which is a not-so-nice way of saying, "this looks cheesy and not as hip as when the other person did it"). i went back to the rollers. another artist helped me, but it still looked like crap. of course, everyone gathered around and had to throw in their three cents:

"it's too short"
"it's not even on the sides"
"it was fuller on top yesterday"
"the bangs are lopsided"

finally, it was passed along to yet another artist, who made it look perfect in about five seconds.

live and learn.

and that evening, my first in over a week where i could relax and not set my alarm, i marched post-haste to huckleberry bar, where i downed three harvey wallbangers and was consoled by a good friend.

checkin' in

i just realized that i haven't posted an entry since the infamous lemon lady! now that's just sad.

of course, my absence here is due to an overwhelming amount of work. since the job with the mysterious lemon lady, i have done makeup for:

-ms. leah siegel's music video, using stop-animation done by these amazing peeps. here's a sample of the director's work (and how cool is it that he loves daniel as much as i do?):



-a long-ass day at CSTV, the home for college sports (and bane of my existence),

-a photoshoot for "the sweet divines" , a new quartet of lovely ladies who sing in the style of a late sixties girl group and fancy their hair and makeup done in the same manner. hello, hairspray and liquid liner!

-more music video shooting

-and tomorrow: a shoot for tommy hilfiger kids, and then on wednesday: makeup for the finalists of a new reality show involving supermodels (or atleast supermodel wannabe's)...

whew! i'm exhausted just typing about it all!

the biscuit (whose eye is completely healed, by the way) has resorted to keeping me up at nights and giving me the brush-off when i return from work. it's really quite exhausting; bdub isn't half as demanding! i've never been in a relationship like this before! the guilt is enormous, but he is managing without me and resorting to snuggling under bdub's armpit when necessary.

the lure of the mysterious lemon lady

it should have been an easy enough shot to get, really: the story is about "teasing". two two-year-olds. kiddie model one, in the back, was to play the role of the teaser ("stick out your tongue!" "put your hands on your hips!" "shake your finger!"). kiddie model two, in the front, was to play the role of the wounded child.

a problem arose when it became clear that kiddie models one and two adored each other. it was simply not in one's nature to be mean to two. two couldn't stop flirting and grinning at one. we tried to throw in a stuffed lion for them to play tug of war...but they just hugged the lion and each other.

enter the mysterious lemon lady. the photographer, alexandra, prefers lemon in her tea. naturally, her loyal assistant, todd, purchased the cutest little lemon for her this morning on the way to the studio. being the artiste that he is, todd scribbled a face on the tiny lemon and gave it some fringed masking tape hair. we chuckled for a minute at the lemon lady. as we reviewed the shots we had so far, we showed the lemon lady to kiddie one.




one loooooved the lemon lady. she loved to hold her and breathe in her lemony scent. the lemon lady was irresistable.

and then it dawned on me: i would introduce the lemon lady to two.

of course, one wasn't giving up the lemon lady so easily. she first looked at two with confusion. "et tu?"

two clung to the precious lemon lady for dear life. he had her, and he wasn't giving her up without a fight.

we had our shot. the wails, the faces streaming with tears and flushed skin of pink. the grabbing, the crying. good people that we are (or atleast, we would like to think, not completely heartless), we couldn't take it any more. it was too upsetting. we took them off of the set and tried to console them with tangerines and apples that we had sitting around. but what to do with the lemon lady?

of course, we took the only logical course of action and we hid her. we reattached her hair and wiped her smeared face. i sat on the couch with one and showed her that her tangerine smelled and TASTED terrific-- much better than that sour old lemon! she seemed pleased. we colored. we were friends again. she changed her clothes and toddled off with her mom.

as i rose from the couch, much to my dismay, i discovered that i had sat in something wet. karma had literally gotten me in the ass. two people who happened to walk by the studio laughed at me as i blowdried my butt.

all in a day's work, i suppose.