so this is christmas--i hope you had fun

a big realization yesterday--

prompted by my last blog post, which left me feeling confused and with the dilemma as to whether or not i should take it down. i spoke with bdub about it and he asked me some very important questions:

why did you write it?
will it help someone else?
will it hurt anyone's feelings?

i wrote it to purge, to examine, to be honest.

i think it could help someone else, because it seems that new motherhood is supposed to be met with all sunshine and lollipops, and while max is my sunshine (especially these days), a lot of what surrounds me feels very gray. i don't think i am alone in that. i know it helps me when i get encouragement from others that they went or are going through the same thing.

it might hurt somebody's feelings.

then we talked about personal responsibility, and how it really bothers me when people don't take responsibility for themselves. and what i realized is that if i have felt isolated, then a large part of that is on my shoulders, whether i am in a place emotionally to deal with it or not. yes, i am fragile. yes, i am emotional and i am harboring a lot of anger (and i don't know what is prompting that or where it is coming from). but i am the only person who can take responsibility for it.

a part of doing that was admitting to myself that what i am feeling is not situational. bdub is here, and not at gigs (and i won't be on my own with max for a long night in the near future). it is christmas and we are together. i love this boy, i love my husband. so why am i still crying? why is the celine dion christmas album blasting in front of the stop and shop and the poster of obama in a boxing ring knocking out john mccain that i pass on flatbush avenue bringing me to tears? (god, i have such a love-hate relationship with my neighborhood).

we talked in the car and we agreed that i don't have to go on medication if i don't want to (and i really, really don't want to), unless i truly believe that it would do me and max more good than harm. we are taking positive steps by seeing The Professional who is closely observing me and who really cares. bdub is here to catch me when i fall.

so off we went to deanie's for a holiday party, and i didn't know how to feel. deanie is my one true friend up here. seriously. and of my true, deep, would cut off my pinky for them friends, i think i have about five or six total (one is deanie, one is my husband, one is my sister, you get the idea...). the last thing on earth i wanted to do was fall apart and continue the trend for the day (blubbering heap in the corner) in a semi-public arena.

to my surprise, i reconnected with so many great peeps, some of them new parents, some of them more seasoned, some of them grandparents. one was right there with me (or a month ahead anyway, which was a treat to see). two were expecting their second babies. they told me things like:

"the first months with my daughter were the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life." (katie, mother of stella, age 2)

"i feel like it took us about nine months to really get into a groove." (aaron, father to esme, almost 3)

"honey, the wistfulness will pass." (christine, mother to owen samuel danger, age 13 weeks and lucy)

"i don't remember a thing, just getting her up in the morning and taking her to art classes." (ted on his 30-something daughter julie, grandfather to matias, age 2) and in response, "yeah, that's because you didn't have to do anything." (his wife, cynthia)


and all of the young parents said the same thing to me, echoing their refrain:

"it gets easier, it gets easier, it gets easier...."

and i woke up this morning (despite another night of insomnia...i just wanted to hold max but i settled for being held by bdub), actually believing them.

"it gets easier." (noelle, mother to max, age 9.5 weeks)

new digs, no time to blog

we're all moved in! unbelievable!

i think that perhaps my stress level is starting to alleviate. after a hellish week, i was awoken at four am by a full bladder, and upon my return to bed had a tremendously cathartic and snotty cry. not at all a pretty cry, but one of those cries that really feels like one is exorcising demons (my demons being those of complete and utter irritability, focused nearly 100% towards my poor bdub, bless him).

so anyway, i actually had a weekend off to enjoy my new digs, which i have been looking forward to for months. i was booked for work every day this week, which left no time for any exploring of my new 'hood, and since exploring takes too much energy and my feet are seriously KILLING me, i have been laying low on the home front (the home front including kara dean's new digs as well) and nesting like a little bird.

all that we have left to do is the nursery and some accessorizing! i can't wait for my first opportunity to hit ikea and target, as i believe that these shopping trips and the storage and organizational products they promise will greatly improve my quality of life.

a fun development here at hawthorne street is the tremendous and practically instantaneous popularity of the biscuit. our building is full of the most adorable children i have ever seen, and once one of them knew the biscuit's name, it seemed like all of them were instantly smitten and dying to get a look at him and give him a pet. the other day, as i took out the biscuit for a pee, some 10-ish year old boy i had never seen before in my life came speeding by on his bike. he yelled to us, "hi biscuit!" and waved. who are you, sweet boy, and how do you know my dog?

pics of new place to follow, i promise. new pregnancy symptoms (as i am now 30 weeks) include:

-a perpetually full bladder
-a left foot that looks like a potato
-insomnia
-inability to see my toes
-difficulty picking objects up off of the floor (which can actually be quite amusing)
-the desire to want to bludgeon peeps who do me wrong

where do you stand?

kara dean passed on this quiz thingie to me that i think is just tops:

electoral compass

lets you know who you line up with on the issues of economics, the environment, gun control, health care, and several others. i am 92% in line with obama! crazy!

i am sick.

sick. sick. sick.

yesterday, i went over to kara dean's in the afternoon to make soup. we chopped a bit, sauteed our veggies and poured in our tomatoes. deanie and dyl finished the rest of the pot and about ten minutes after i sat down, i found it difficult to move off of the couch. no good.

i slept for three hours at their place and then managed to drive home and watch bad tv. still today, my joints ache...from my neck to my wrists to my ankles. i go from burning hot to shivering in minutes. my stomach hurts in waves that trickle down from around my chest area to my belly button. my hair even hurts when i try to put on or take off my sweatshirt (which i feel like i have been doing every five minutes).

the biscuit has yet to leave my side, though. bless him.

bdub is on a little tour with my brightest diamond this week. they are en route to louisville from chicago, and he will be playing in new york on saturday! not long now. i had seriously considered making the trek to pittsburgh for their show at the warhol museum this wednesday, but since brushing my teeth seems like a major accomplishment today, i can't imagine making a seven hour car ride. who knows? maybe i'll feel lots better in a day, and i do love my pittsburgh peeps, like this girl and this girl. the best.

and look at these cute photos of the sweet divines! this is the girl group with the retro style that i mentioned way back in this post. aren't they cute? see if you can spot the wolfe in there!

zen eatin'

i know that this is usually the topic of foodie blogs, such as that of my friend ehrrin's "now that's good eatin'!". but i must gush about my delicious dinner last night.

kurly and dyl procured a sitter from their baby sitting co-op (isn't that a rad idea? that kurly is an innovator) and we met for dinner and sake at zenkichi.

zenkichi is an intimate and beautiful ninja lair of a restaurant in our 'hood, marked only by a glowing orange light on the outside of a building with a wooden facade (a very strange, organic contrast to its industrial surroundings). as you walk in, you give your name and then are directed to a rock garden waiting area, complete with bamboo stalks in the center and smooth gray stones underfoot.

the roped-off dining room is up a set of stairs, and each booth is sectioned off with wooden slats and a rolled shade for total privacy...should you need anything, you buzz a little buzzer that is attached to your table! radness.



here's what we had (all tapas-style, for sharing):

miso soup for kurly and dyl
sake sampler for me, bdub and dyl
tuna carpaccio
miso roasted eggplant
shrimp tempura with camembert
scallop tempura with green tea salt
grilled rice ball
wild mushroom gratin
truffled egg custard
age tofu in broth
black miso cod

everything was fantastically fresh and delicious, like a little japanese tea party in my mouth! an explosion of flavors! a plethora of harmonious new tastes! as we descended the stairs, we were met with many gracious bows from our hosts, a welcome change from the too-familiar uber-hip restaurant staff brush-off one can encounter in our little hamlet (i'm not hatin', i'm just sayin'...). places like zenkichi definitely heighten my enjoyment of where we live.

as for tonight, the word on the street is that shoop is in town with his lady! hooray! hopefully we will get to hear the lovely sounds of rosie thomas (aka shoop's lady) and hang with our delight of a friend.

i heart ny

i got a message today from deanie, telling me she always thinks of me and the dub on september 11. i think of her, too, of course.

somehow on that day, i managed to be in touch with all of my peeps whom i needed to be in touch with: bdub woke me with a call from the J train (which rides above ground over the williamsburg bridge), telling me that a plane had hit the world trade center, and that he could see it from the train. we kind of shared a "huh. how weird. i hope no one was hurt" exchange, and i went to the window of my hallway and surveyed the billowing smoke. i turned on CNN and was glued to the tube as the second plane hit.

kara dean called me. she was near times square, and the first to report to me that things were seriously crazy. i told her bdub would be at his rehearsal space just a few blocks away. somehow, they met up on the street and walked to brooklyn together (bdub says he clearly remembers his brain scanning the faces of people on the street, and its recognition of the beautiful deanie).

in the meantime, i got through to my mom. brian's sister heather got through to me. so did kara's sister, meredith....she had such worry in her voice, and i was grateful that i was able to tell her that i had talked with deanie. i bounced from window to computer to tv to phone, in shock. all day.

when deanie and bdub arrived, naturally, i made pasta.

i will be forever grateful that everyone i love was able to put their fears to rest easily that day, and know that we were safe. i am still so thankful that bdub was the first to call me and give me the news--that i never for a second had to worry about him or my dearest friend. so many spent the days to follow pleading to their fellow new yorkers, "have you seen my son/daughter/husband?". they almost wanted a moment just to talk with you, as one mama did with me. just to know you or someone or an entire city was praying for their loved one. i think of her when i think of those who have taken advantage of her loss--to exploit many more of our sons' and daughters' lives, to exploit our fear and our loss through a senseless war.

i am trying today to just reflect on our city and its healing, rather than to express my own anger. perhaps that is for another day, and today is just a day to remember.