so this is christmas--i hope you had fun

a big realization yesterday--

prompted by my last blog post, which left me feeling confused and with the dilemma as to whether or not i should take it down. i spoke with bdub about it and he asked me some very important questions:

why did you write it?
will it help someone else?
will it hurt anyone's feelings?

i wrote it to purge, to examine, to be honest.

i think it could help someone else, because it seems that new motherhood is supposed to be met with all sunshine and lollipops, and while max is my sunshine (especially these days), a lot of what surrounds me feels very gray. i don't think i am alone in that. i know it helps me when i get encouragement from others that they went or are going through the same thing.

it might hurt somebody's feelings.

then we talked about personal responsibility, and how it really bothers me when people don't take responsibility for themselves. and what i realized is that if i have felt isolated, then a large part of that is on my shoulders, whether i am in a place emotionally to deal with it or not. yes, i am fragile. yes, i am emotional and i am harboring a lot of anger (and i don't know what is prompting that or where it is coming from). but i am the only person who can take responsibility for it.

a part of doing that was admitting to myself that what i am feeling is not situational. bdub is here, and not at gigs (and i won't be on my own with max for a long night in the near future). it is christmas and we are together. i love this boy, i love my husband. so why am i still crying? why is the celine dion christmas album blasting in front of the stop and shop and the poster of obama in a boxing ring knocking out john mccain that i pass on flatbush avenue bringing me to tears? (god, i have such a love-hate relationship with my neighborhood).

we talked in the car and we agreed that i don't have to go on medication if i don't want to (and i really, really don't want to), unless i truly believe that it would do me and max more good than harm. we are taking positive steps by seeing The Professional who is closely observing me and who really cares. bdub is here to catch me when i fall.

so off we went to deanie's for a holiday party, and i didn't know how to feel. deanie is my one true friend up here. seriously. and of my true, deep, would cut off my pinky for them friends, i think i have about five or six total (one is deanie, one is my husband, one is my sister, you get the idea...). the last thing on earth i wanted to do was fall apart and continue the trend for the day (blubbering heap in the corner) in a semi-public arena.

to my surprise, i reconnected with so many great peeps, some of them new parents, some of them more seasoned, some of them grandparents. one was right there with me (or a month ahead anyway, which was a treat to see). two were expecting their second babies. they told me things like:

"the first months with my daughter were the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life." (katie, mother of stella, age 2)

"i feel like it took us about nine months to really get into a groove." (aaron, father to esme, almost 3)

"honey, the wistfulness will pass." (christine, mother to owen samuel danger, age 13 weeks and lucy)

"i don't remember a thing, just getting her up in the morning and taking her to art classes." (ted on his 30-something daughter julie, grandfather to matias, age 2) and in response, "yeah, that's because you didn't have to do anything." (his wife, cynthia)


and all of the young parents said the same thing to me, echoing their refrain:

"it gets easier, it gets easier, it gets easier...."

and i woke up this morning (despite another night of insomnia...i just wanted to hold max but i settled for being held by bdub), actually believing them.

"it gets easier." (noelle, mother to max, age 9.5 weeks)

every day's a holiday

the wolfeinelli's and our entourage of friendly beasts had quite the holiday this year. we embarked for west virginia on december 21, all presents and pet carriers. my sister was in with her husband, the inimitable matt, and my two little peanuts of a niece and nephew.

sadie and the biscuit seemed to carry on quite the love affair; much kissing ensued (after all, le bisquit *is* french).








jasper and i roughhoused. we spoke in robot voices. we acted in all manner of silliness (from jasper: "why did the spider crawl across the computer? he wanted to get to his website!"). i was declared his favorite aunt (take that!).






every family member was accounted for, if only for a day or two or even an hour or two in some cases. as we all create our own families (both chris and jay are recently engaged! woot!) and there is more distance between us, i do not take lightly the opportunities for us to be together. bdub and i did spend a couple of days here and there with our respective families of origin, but save some last minute changes of venue and work schedules, we balanced the tight rope of splitting our time without much ado. here we are listening to my FIL's band at the moose lodge:




(moose prices for a beer, an absolut and soda, a shot of maker's mark and a coca cola: $6 total. i am not kidding.)



we returned home to brooklyn on the 27th. on the 28th, i spent most of my actual birthday with the dean-assaels, where they fixed me a delicious dinner of thankfulness for our friendship (mock turkey, mashed potatoes and deanie's amazing green beans), and we opened our christmas gifts to each other. so fun. i love them dearly.

on the 29th, we convinced bdub's bff keith to come up to ny for the remainder of the holiday festivities. after hardly any arm twisting at all, keith changed his return ticket to L.A. and is currently chillaxin' on my couch. nothing could make me happier, truth be told.

that evening, my birthday party was held at the gutter bar in our 'hood, a bowling alley/bar with some serious old skool charm. rumor has it that the lanes and all bowling accoutrements were imported from an alley in the midwest. we arrived around 5 pm, decorated our little corner with streamers and balloons, laid out the beautiful cake that bdub got for me, and had some jack and gingers. aside from the alcohol, i felt about ten years old and i liked it! we bowled a couple of rounds and then ended our delightful evening with pizza and cake. it was truly the perfect birthday.












and on to new year's eve....we'll see what transpires. bdub's gig was cancelled at the last minute, so we actually have a new year's to do whatever we wish! i am pooped, so being lazy sounds very appealing right about now, but we will probably spend the evening with a couple of friends. my lovely friend, kelli white, has invited us over for what she describes is to be "a very mellow evening of good wine and good rock 'n roll" at her apartment. sounds perfect.

resolutions to come in a later post, but for now i feel only thankfulness for time spent with my family and loved ones, for another year and the wisdom it will (hopefully) bring, and for my love who truly is my most precious gift (so cheesy, so true).

christmas, christmas time is here

the christmas spirit is alive and well here at wolfeinelli inc (despite most of our decorations, such as our tree, being artificial in nature) and as for me, i have been a bit of a busy bee. which is nice. of course, most of my jobs have been editorial (read: low-paying) and i have been working almost entirely with the 8 months to 6 years old set, but i am not complaining. it is nice to be working again after an unexpected and unwanted hiatus.

during my downtime, i quite enjoyed doing a bit of christmas baking.






on the platter, clockwise from the top, we have peanut butter kisses, saltine toffee with pecans, buckeyes, chocolate cookies with white chocolate chips, macaroons, saltine toffee with almonds and walnuts, and mexican wedding cookies in the center. all have been taste-tested by bdub and given his stamp of approval. in fact, bdub was crucial to transferring the cookies into their containers, and taking care of any cookies that just weren't going to quite fit in their tupperware. come to think of it, i wonder what happened to those spare treats?

the biscuit developed a nasty case of hives on thursday afternoon...angry red spots on his bum, his ears, his muzzle. we made a vet appointment for friday morning and gave him a benadryl (which you can totally give to dogs: 1 mg of benadryl per pound of your dog's weight ). by morning, he was hive-free, so we cancelled the appointment. less than an hour later, the hives sprouted up again, but this time on his side and along his back, underneath the fur. another appointment was made for today, and again, the hives are gone. we went to the vet anyways, and are awaiting the results of blood and fecal tests. $245.00 well-spent? we shall see.

today is my catch-up day so as to feel released from holiday stress (ha!). we are doing laundry, and i am hoping to finish up some shopping, and prepare for our annual company party (our "company" being the two dudes bdub plays with regularly--chris "hotface" tarry and steve "stevie e" elliott and their lovely ladies).

the tradition of the musician's company party is a few years old, as we were all sitting around after a gig one december night circa 2005 and lamenting the fact that the boys have no corporate holiday party to attend, though they had many where they were to provide the entertainment. thus, our company holiday party was born.

this year, the party is tomorrow evening at wolfeinelli inc. and should prove to be a good time (hot buttered rum is on the menu). tomorrow afternoon, i am busting out the old flute for meredith dean-augustin's christmas concert. after a traumatic four and half years under the tutelage of this lady i have not played my flute in public since 1996, so this should prove interesting. i am confident, though, as i took the old girl (my flute, not my professor) out of her case and was pleased to discover that i can still rock some debussy! a true christmas miracle indeed.