no. way.

there is no delicate way to put this.

my child just had a sh*tstorm in his crib.

pooped. took off pants and diaper. smeared excrement everywhere.

then he called for mommy.

aren't you glad you're reading my blog today?

epilogue: bdub is home. he is dressing child and taking child, along with soiled linens & stuffed animals, to the laundromat. he is then purchasing (several?) bottles of wine and asparagus (again, bite me, trader joe's). how much do i love him?

how i've missed you, little blog of mine

today i am all about the random thoughts.... so random, in fact, that i have barely been able to put together a coherent facebook status update. truly sad.

for example, on my way to work today, i observed a man kind of yelling at some guys who were stocking some items (produce maybe?) from a truck. i immediately thought, "hello, crazy" until i passed by the man in question and got a whiff. he smelled FANTASTIC. really, really nice, and i am generally not a huge fan of cologne, but this was spicy, woodsy, fresh-soapy all rolled into one. my friend rebecca pointed out to me that with the mentally incapacitated, hygiene is one of the first things to go, so perhaps i misjudged him.

random thought #2 is that i think i need to break up with the professional. it seems that lately when i find myself performing the juggling act of meeting my own needs, meeting my child's needs and taking care of business, this somehow ends up being put into question at therapy.

to whom am i comparing myself?
am i running away? can i not just enjoy my time with max?
do i come up with distractions? why?

and you know what? i'm a little done with that. is this truly helpful to me? when bdub was out of town last week, the boy and the biscuit and i high-tailed our butts up to beacon to hang with karadean and her boys. and no, i didn't want to be alone in my apartment with my 17 month old all day long for two days.

and we had a great time, and it meant a lot to my bff-since-9th-grade that we came up, despite the dog puking all over the back seat, and despite us needing to leave by 3:30 so we could beat the traffic.

so what am i running from? does it really matter? maybe i am running towards open arms that love me and want me and the boy and our dog who puked all over their brand new slate floors to sit down and stay awhile. i don't know why they would want us, because we are a bit of a sorry lot sometimes, and we cry and fuss and make a mess.....but i'll take it.

the photo below was taken by my dear friend, kelly jones. she is cool loveliness, very real and clearly a woman of many talents. this image knocks my socks off, takes my breath away, and rocks my world, all at once:

more will be revealed...

cryptic title, isn't it?

i have decided to adopt this way of thinking, give it a good home in my psyche. pre-max, my sister gave me a copy of anne lamott's operating instructions, which between sleep books and preggo books and no-need-to-panic-and-call-the-doctor type books i hadn't gotten around to reading.

silly me.

of course, it would have pretty much rendered this blog obsolete, because sweet annie says in her hilarious and infectious voice everything i have been feeling over this last year, but much more eloquently. one of her yummy morsels of wisdom comes from her AA friends (the author is a former addict herself), who remind her that "more will be revealed". how true these words are in the context of, well, everything, but especially so when one is dealing with addiction and loved ones.

what are lies? what is the truth? my husband has spent so much of the last twelve months or so trying to sift through all of this-- trying to catch her in her lies, to trap the rat and make it speak the truth. and in time, over and over again, more is revealed....more ends tied up so that confusing behavior, requests for money, excuses, failures, crises, twisted blame-- all are revealed and more will be to come.

my poor husband. how much he gives and gives until he just can't take care of this phantom whisper of a real person any more. yet he forgives and he tries again. and again.

max is turning one in less than a month. i can't believe it. i mostly can't believe that i am sitting here thinking, "where has the time gone?" when the days i have spent have at times felt like a small eternity. yet this little larvae of a person is crawling around me at the speed of light, laughing until he can hardly breathe, taking it all in and then some. my sister told me once that you can't expect it to be easy, having your heart running around outside of your body.

i never knew love like this before...

despite the positive title, this is not an easy post to make. the wolfeinellis are wading through a lot of muck these days, and while so many areas of our lives have improved DRASTICALLY (like, where we live, for example: our biggest issue is having to talk with the older people on our block when we;'re in a hurry), other things have unfortunately taken some pretty sad turns.

brian's dad suffered three ruptured brain aneurysms, and while he is (thankfully) recovering, it has been quite the ordeal for the wolfe's. this ordeal has been piggybacked by ANOTHER ordeal, which for the sake of privacy i don't feel comfortable elaborating on. i will say that addiction is a selfish beeyatch. it destroys, it lies, and it keeps coming back for more. it is trying to pick away at my husband. to occupy his thoughts, to constantly fill his head with lies, to exhaust him, to deplete his resources. it is so sad. so very sad. it is really hurting the wolfeinellis, and i really fear that we don't have the resources to deal with it.

however, we are dealing with it so far. we are trying to do our best most of the time. i am failing at that some of the time....i think it is easier for me to step away and try to encircle my family, shield them. i can't hide my anger when i feel unable to do this successfully.

max is almost ten months. he is a light. he has four teeth with more on the way. he clings to me when i pick him up, and gives me little pats on the shoulder as if to say, "it's alright mama. breathe. i love you." he is the happiest baby on the block. he wakes up and (usually) goes to bed with a smile on his face. he snuggles up to me in the morning and nurses, i think more for my sake than for his. he has thigh chub. his eyes are a kaleidoscope of greens, coppers, grays. he has more exuberance, joy, and life force than any being i can ever recall knowing or sharing in their company.

california dreamin'

it is simply PATHETIC, my lack of blogging. it feels like so much has happened over the last month! most importantly, i have found my self again. just typing that sentence gave me pause: am i being all "bad mama" by saying that something about ME is "most important"? no. this-- my state of being-- is important. it is critical. i am no good to max or anyone else for that matter if i am all scrambled up in my own head.

we are in L.A, right now, as bdub is playing drums for mandy moore on the tonight show this evening. yes--mandy moore, the pop princess of the britney/x-tina/jessica simpson class of the late nineties. mandy is, of course, all grown up and trying to go in a new direction and all that jazz, but it sounds silly and defensive to even write that so i will just let it be what it is: a pop thing. with a really nice girl. on national tv. an american institution. tonight!

i am so proud of my bdub. he works tirelessly on his craft, and this marks a big milestone for him.

too much other stuff to catch up on in one post: we moved (goodbye, 92 hawthorne!), the boy is eating solids with gusto, and life is good. pictures to come.

much love to ya

how do i love thee?

my bdub
-do you know what it does to a woman to anticipate a greasy, sticky, enchilada-y mess in the kitchen, only to walk in there and find the dishes done, the stove wiped, the ingredients put away and the pan soaking in soapy water? you rule.
-thank you for being patient with my neuroses. and for being so kind to me, even when i don't deserve it.
-you rule for being forthright with the Professional. i appreciate that you are 100% committed to us.
-the late night/early morning feeding. have i mentioned that you rule?
-you are so cute when you come to work with max.
-you are so good with everything you do with the boy, for that matter.
-thank you for working hard to take care of us (even the poopy work).
-thanks for cracking me up on a daily basis, several times a day.

my boy
-i love you: your milky smiles and gummy grins, your tiny hand clutching me, your coos... irresistible.
-how did i get such a good sleeper?
-thank you for minimally fussing. really.
-you are so much fun! thanks for proving to me that this does just get better and better.

favorite things: new mama edition

in the same vein as last year's favorite things post (ala oprah), i give you the new mama edition! these are a few of my favorite things which i could not have lived without during the first few months of new motherhood, many of which i never would have suspected would become so indispensable.

the happiest baby on the block dvd (harvey karp)



ah yes, the five s's: swaddle, side, suck, swing, shhh. it's hard to know what to do as a new parent of a screaming babe! at the first viewing of this dvd, bdub started to cry. he felt so empowered. best of all, the techniques work! i think an amazing baby gift would be a copy of this dvd, a swaddle blanket (see next item) and a couple of pacifiers (see item after next).


the miracle blanket



organic cotton. no snaps, pins, velcro, nothing. simply the best (though i also really like the stretchy swaddle blankets, too). as an aside, doesn't the baby in the above photo look just like max?


soothies pacifiers



accept no imitations. these do tend to take some getting used to, appearance-wise. since you can see into the baby's little mouth, bdub claims that they kind of look like something out of a marilyn manson video when in use.


sophie the giraffe




the french classic. here is what ecobabygear.com has to say about sophie:

"Sophie the Giraffe, full of discoveries and activities to awaken baby’s senses!

Sight: The dark and contrasting spots all over Sophie the Giraffe’s body provide visual stimulation and make her easily recognizable to baby. She soon becomes a familiar and reassuring objet.

Hearing: Her squeaker keeps baby amused, stimulates his hearings, and helps him to understand the link between cause and effect.

Taste: Sophie the Giraffe is very flexible and has lots of parts for baby to chew (ears, horns, legs). She is perfect for soothing baby’s sore gums when teething and is completely safe. Made of 100% natural rubber and food paint.

Touch: Sophie the Giraffe is perfect for baby’s small hands. She is very light and her long legs and neck are easy for baby to grip. She is very soft to touch, just like baby’s mummy, stimulating soothing physiological and emotional responses.

Smell: The singular scent of natural rubber (from Hevea tree) makes Sophie the Giraffe very special and easy for your child to identify amid all his other toys. "


cotton zip up pajamas



so great when it's the 3 am diaper change and you don't have to fasten a million snaps. surprisingly hard to find, especially in cotton (we avoid fleece; as our friend mags warned, "nowlze, it's a pressure cooker.")


jj cole pacifier pod



such a simple thing: a little purse for your pacifiers! just the right size to hold two. keeps 'em clean and velcro's to any bag.


clip-on mobile



this has also been a lifesaver. clips to the shelves that hang over the changing table for diaper changing distraction. clips to the side of the crib, to the car seat, to wherever! max loves this thing and rarely fusses when he has his diaper changed.


mustela products



i got tons of this stuff as shower gifts, and i will use every last drop of it all. the foam shampoo for cradle cap is fantastic. the diaper cream is super-concentrated, and the lotion is heavenly. the entire line smells incredible: light, yet blends well with that perfect, natural baby head smell.


bebe au lait nursing cover



i resisted buying this for a long time. i mean, i should be able to nurse wherever, whenever, right?! other peoples' comfort be damned! that may be all well and good in theory, but there are certain times and places where popping out my 40 DD's (yes, that's what i am rockin' these days, lord help me) is less than ideal. like in therapy. or when i go to hear bdub play at church. church and boobs just don't mix. the bebe au lait is a necessary evil, and i am always happy to have it when i need it.


american apparel hoodies and onesies



finding plain, unadultered clothing in solid colors is nearly impossible. thank god for american apparel. great colors, nice cotton, sweatshop-free. plus, max and his dad can match! cute!


diapers.com



several friends recommended diapers.com to me, and young grasshopper that i am, i have passed on the rec. to other new moms. diapers.com rules. they have free shipping over $49, their diapers arrive in two days or less, and they are WAY cheaper than anywhere else. they don't just sell diapers, either. they sell EVERYTHING. in fact, i'd bet you could probably find every item of my favorite things on that website! you also get credit when you recommend people, so if any of you dear readers decide to order from them, tell 'em nowlze sent you.

so this is christmas--i hope you had fun

a big realization yesterday--

prompted by my last blog post, which left me feeling confused and with the dilemma as to whether or not i should take it down. i spoke with bdub about it and he asked me some very important questions:

why did you write it?
will it help someone else?
will it hurt anyone's feelings?

i wrote it to purge, to examine, to be honest.

i think it could help someone else, because it seems that new motherhood is supposed to be met with all sunshine and lollipops, and while max is my sunshine (especially these days), a lot of what surrounds me feels very gray. i don't think i am alone in that. i know it helps me when i get encouragement from others that they went or are going through the same thing.

it might hurt somebody's feelings.

then we talked about personal responsibility, and how it really bothers me when people don't take responsibility for themselves. and what i realized is that if i have felt isolated, then a large part of that is on my shoulders, whether i am in a place emotionally to deal with it or not. yes, i am fragile. yes, i am emotional and i am harboring a lot of anger (and i don't know what is prompting that or where it is coming from). but i am the only person who can take responsibility for it.

a part of doing that was admitting to myself that what i am feeling is not situational. bdub is here, and not at gigs (and i won't be on my own with max for a long night in the near future). it is christmas and we are together. i love this boy, i love my husband. so why am i still crying? why is the celine dion christmas album blasting in front of the stop and shop and the poster of obama in a boxing ring knocking out john mccain that i pass on flatbush avenue bringing me to tears? (god, i have such a love-hate relationship with my neighborhood).

we talked in the car and we agreed that i don't have to go on medication if i don't want to (and i really, really don't want to), unless i truly believe that it would do me and max more good than harm. we are taking positive steps by seeing The Professional who is closely observing me and who really cares. bdub is here to catch me when i fall.

so off we went to deanie's for a holiday party, and i didn't know how to feel. deanie is my one true friend up here. seriously. and of my true, deep, would cut off my pinky for them friends, i think i have about five or six total (one is deanie, one is my husband, one is my sister, you get the idea...). the last thing on earth i wanted to do was fall apart and continue the trend for the day (blubbering heap in the corner) in a semi-public arena.

to my surprise, i reconnected with so many great peeps, some of them new parents, some of them more seasoned, some of them grandparents. one was right there with me (or a month ahead anyway, which was a treat to see). two were expecting their second babies. they told me things like:

"the first months with my daughter were the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life." (katie, mother of stella, age 2)

"i feel like it took us about nine months to really get into a groove." (aaron, father to esme, almost 3)

"honey, the wistfulness will pass." (christine, mother to owen samuel danger, age 13 weeks and lucy)

"i don't remember a thing, just getting her up in the morning and taking her to art classes." (ted on his 30-something daughter julie, grandfather to matias, age 2) and in response, "yeah, that's because you didn't have to do anything." (his wife, cynthia)


and all of the young parents said the same thing to me, echoing their refrain:

"it gets easier, it gets easier, it gets easier...."

and i woke up this morning (despite another night of insomnia...i just wanted to hold max but i settled for being held by bdub), actually believing them.

"it gets easier." (noelle, mother to max, age 9.5 weeks)

a little holiday cheer from the lasters

nothing beats a hannah anderson package arriving in the mail, especially when it contains goodies for both babe and beast!

check it:

the birth story

7:40 pm on saturday--started having contractions...different from others; rhythmic and dare i say enjoyable? i knew that this process was starting for real (i had lost my mucous plug the night before), and i enjoyed visualizing myself on top of the “wave”. i was calling upon so many resources i had over the last months....remembering an email from deidre and the idea of the time and space of contractions, thinking of them mathematically (and somehow, that did make them seem less powerful). i recalled the idea of riding a wave, and pictured myself floating atop them (and never tousled under), in a lotus position, looking peaceful. hippie, but true. i yoga’ed. i focused on my breath. i also thought- through every rush- of my zen friend, karen, and the idea that once i have the contraction, it is in the past and gone forever.



so i labored. i made soup. brian installed the car seat. i finished packing. i did everything but what i should have done, which was to get myself into BED!! i called karadean, i called my mom. i called deidre (my long distance doula and natural birth mentor!) who recommended that i call my midwife, have a glass of wine and get to sleep! she reminded me that i was about to run a marathon and would need to gear up.

sandy, my midwife, was glad that i called and also recommended that i get some rest. of course, rest was impossible. my contractions became more intense. i recall wanting to head in to the birthing center around 5 am, but brian was very instrumental in keeping me focused on our goal of not leaving until my contractions were four minutes apart....so i continued to labor. somewhere within that time my water broke (only as a trickle).

at about 11 am, we called sandy again and told her that we were thinking of coming in. she was surprised that she hadn’t heard from us earlier, which made me feel like i was doing well. we gathered up our things and headed down to fetch our friend joyous, who was caring for the biscuit and also riding along with us to the hospital. i had fewer intense contractions in the car, and recalled that being discussed in our childbirth classes: the tendency for contractions to get further apart and less intense as you move to new environments. this was evident throughout the process.

as we made our way to the front door of the hospital, i had a very intense contraction in the doorway. with my eyes closed, i leaned against the door and a stranger came up to me and said, “oh honey...you can do it” and touched me on the shoulder. a small thing, but a big part of my experience and the thread of connectivity i felt to women who had gone before.

we were welcomed by the nursing staff, one of whom was the wife of one of brian’s friends, adam armstrong (adam was the first musician brian met in new york who demonstrated to him how one can be both a successful musician and father). we were brought into the room, which looked more like a hotel room or a comfy bedroom than a delivery room. i was hooked up to a fetal monitor (which was required for just twenty minutes), and i labored there in a rocking chair while the nurse drew me a warm bath.

contractions:





i felt comforted, loved, and supported. i made my way to the bath, we put on music....the nurses gave brian a hair band and he tied up my hair. brian kept telling me that i was a jedi, and fed me pieces of a power bar. i felt so safe and loved, free to express my emotions, to cry, to let go.

the birth partner:





at my first cervical check, i had dilated to 7 cm, which is unusual for a first check!! we were thrilled. at the second check i was 9 cm, and right around the corner from pushing time. sandy offered me sorbet and ginger ale. everyone was so encouraging. at the third check, i still had a little “lip” of cervix to go.

the transitional stage was tough. i was feeling the baby’s head corkscrew down into the birth canal. sandy suggested that we walk the halls, and that i lean against her and pull on the rails of the walls when the contractions hit. i didn’t like the positions in the halls. i had to pee terribly, yet my bladder wouldn’t empty. i felt exposed. unsafe. with every reassurance that i wouldn’t push the baby out while in the hallway or on the toilet, i remained unconvinced.

we returned to the room and i tried, unsuccessfully, to push. my bladder just felt too full, so i was given a catheter (unmedicated), which hurt like hell and terrified me. there was a changeover of nurses, and my awesome little coven of faery wood nymphs split up and left. they were replaced by a nurse who was simply uninterested in assisting us with the process in the same way (she seemed more interested in what everyone was ordering from the takeout menu, myself not included). the instructions for pushing were overwhelming: “elbows out! pull on your legs! push! chin down! eyes closed! push! no-- not with your face! push!”

my contractions petered out. they were still intense, but few and far between. i knew that there was an emotional block for me with the pushing--what was i afraid of? i think i was afraid to parent, afraid that i wouldn’t love my child enough, afraid of who he would be and who i was becoming. sandy discussed my options with me, and told me that i would need to ramp these up. she suggested pitocin (and we had tried everything---black and blue cohosh, hours of nipple stimulation, squatting, bouncing, walking). i said that if we were transferring to labor and delivery and i would be getting pitocin, than i would be getting an epidural as well. to me, the dream was over, and to sandy, this meant that perhaps i would sleep and get my strength back up.

i knew as i was wheeled onto the elevator and brought to the next floor up that i was going through another transition, from a natural, normal birth to a medical one. i was immediately strapped to a continual fetal monitor, put into bed, given a blood pressure cuff (from which i still bear the marks on my upper left arm), brian was shoved aside. the attending doctor came in and gave me an internal exam--he seemed disinterested in my requests in general. it seemed that my nurse and sandy were at odds.

i was prepped for the epidural, and told that if i had a contraction while the needle was being inserted into my spine i was to hold still and not move. of course, just as i was being given this instruction, i began to have a contraction. i begged the anesthesiologist to wait just fifteen seconds to insert the needle, and was given no response (though i did believe that he waited. brian says otherwise.). this became a point of contention between brian and sandy and the anesthesiologist, and made me sad. it took three sticks with the needle, and i was numbed. numb to the process, numb from the waist down. i was given a catheter again and could have cared less. i was given pitocin and never felt a contraction. i slept for two hours.

i awoke and was asked if i was ready to push. i was. i pushed and pushed. they asked me if i was feeling the contractions and, barely, i was...enough to take advantage of them, to override them, show them who was boss and f@*&ing PUSH.

sandy could see the head and was saying, “all that black hair!” wha? black hair?! who was this little guy on his way out? brian was holding my left leg and breathing with me through every push. the nurse was annoying the crap out of me, kind of half- whining, “cmon. push. you can do it. push push push.” i chose to focus on sandy.

max made his arrival in a swish of poop, much of which was running down my thigh. he was suctioned, he let out the cry of the living and (thank god) was placed upon my chest. this squirmy, squishy, wide eyed little alien baby. here he was.

my body, on the other hand, was unsuccessfully delivering the placenta. it was “retracted”, and not coming out. i was hemorrhaging and passing out. brian was ushered out of the room and he and the baby were sent to the nursery. the attending doctor returned, this time with a resident who had popped in earlier to take a gander at my gaping vagina (without so much as introducing himself....asshole). both of them got to work on detaching my placenta as i began to feel myself getting woozy. the humorless attending found nothing but puzzlement in my interest in seeing the placenta, which i argued to him that i had grown in the past ten months and wanted to see what it looked like. after i was stabilized, brian said that he overheard the resident tell someone in the hall that they “probably wouldn’t need to take [me] up to the OR after all”. gulp.

once i was in order, i rested for a couple of hours with my sweet new boy. we were wheeled up to recovery, and most of the rest of that time immediately following max's arrival is a blur...

the hospital stay on the recovery floor was a mixed bag, but in general a good experience. max was so chill that he was the demo baby for “how to give a sponge bath”. he’s a nursing champ, and his discharge weight was the same as his birth weight! (7 lb 10 oz) . brian was present at max’s circumcision, as he believes that if he is going to have an elective procedure procedure performed on his child, then he is going to have the guts to bear witness to it and not turn a blind eye. so brave, both of my boys.

and as for me, i think it is obvious that i am in love. i feel like there is a magnifying glass on my heart, like in the grinch who stole christmas, and that is it bursting as my heart has grown three times its size. even through the sleepless nights, i cherish knowing that this phase will pass, and sadly i acknowledge that its all a phase, every day a milestone.

the kicker

last night, bdub convinced me to see one of his favorite bands -rudder- with him. bdub is excellent friends with two of the members and LOVES their drummer (and welcomes any opportunity to hear him play).



apparently, he is not the only wolfeinelli who is enthralled with keith carlock. our little max, who has been pretty mellow lately (aside from some twists and turns during my yoga class) perked up quite a bit when keith hit the skins. i swear, i think he was kicking along to the bass drum. no kidding. perhaps we've got a third generation drummer on our hands? crazy.

plus, he has dropped a little! i am experiencing "the lightening", and i love it! it feels good to be able to take a deep breath again.

cuts like a knife

while i made bdub swear that he wouldn't tell ANYONE about the little incident i am going to reveal, i think i need to come clean. maybe i can help pregnant women everywhere who feel they have lost complete, utter, and total control of their emotions?

so we are driving home from a lovely two days in the berkshires yesterday (bdub played with the sweet divines at mass MoCA--highly recommended museum if you are ever in the area).

bryan adams' "heaven" comes on the radio (no--not RYan adams, the alt country indie darling. BRYan adams, the 80's cheeseball).

"oh, thinkin' about our younger years....

it was only you and me
we were young and wild and free...."

that was all it took. i crumpled into a puddle of mush. i didn't have a pretty cry, either, with a couple of nostalgic tears running down my cheeks that could be quietly wiped away with any sort of dignity. i bawled, snotty, ugly, and inconsolable, i kept repeating to bdub, "i am SUCH a DORK! i can't believe i am bawling over a stupid bryan adams song!"

upon relaying this story to my friend dylan, he assured me that my brother, jay, would lose all respect for me if i ever revealed this nugget of truth to him. if i ever had any punk rock credibility at any time, it, like so much of my former, stoic-in-the-face-of bad-80's pop- self, is gone with the wind. hormones are a funny thing that way.

thankfulness

this little conversation could be overheard at 92 hawthorne last night:

me:"bdub, thanks for making me soup."

bdub: "thanks for going to massachusetts with me this weekend."

me: "thanks for getting such a nice hotel room."

bdub: "thanks for letting me impregnate you."

new digs, no time to blog

we're all moved in! unbelievable!

i think that perhaps my stress level is starting to alleviate. after a hellish week, i was awoken at four am by a full bladder, and upon my return to bed had a tremendously cathartic and snotty cry. not at all a pretty cry, but one of those cries that really feels like one is exorcising demons (my demons being those of complete and utter irritability, focused nearly 100% towards my poor bdub, bless him).

so anyway, i actually had a weekend off to enjoy my new digs, which i have been looking forward to for months. i was booked for work every day this week, which left no time for any exploring of my new 'hood, and since exploring takes too much energy and my feet are seriously KILLING me, i have been laying low on the home front (the home front including kara dean's new digs as well) and nesting like a little bird.

all that we have left to do is the nursery and some accessorizing! i can't wait for my first opportunity to hit ikea and target, as i believe that these shopping trips and the storage and organizational products they promise will greatly improve my quality of life.

a fun development here at hawthorne street is the tremendous and practically instantaneous popularity of the biscuit. our building is full of the most adorable children i have ever seen, and once one of them knew the biscuit's name, it seemed like all of them were instantly smitten and dying to get a look at him and give him a pet. the other day, as i took out the biscuit for a pee, some 10-ish year old boy i had never seen before in my life came speeding by on his bike. he yelled to us, "hi biscuit!" and waved. who are you, sweet boy, and how do you know my dog?

pics of new place to follow, i promise. new pregnancy symptoms (as i am now 30 weeks) include:

-a perpetually full bladder
-a left foot that looks like a potato
-insomnia
-inability to see my toes
-difficulty picking objects up off of the floor (which can actually be quite amusing)
-the desire to want to bludgeon peeps who do me wrong

beaches, weddings, breakdowns...will the fun ever end?

pardon the space between posts....i have been a busy bee!

on june 17, my sweet friend doggie and i set out to meet up with katherine and the girls for our annual ladies' beach trip. though there were several omissions this time around, what with new babies and moves and the like, we still had an amazing time. the girls who were there (myself included) REALLY needed the break!

as always, we ate like queens: homemade waffles with a dollop of fresh amish cottage cheese and raspberries, cracked crab, fish tacos, grilled corn on the cob...it was as if the deliciousness never ended. plus, the weather was perfect and i got to warm the bun. apparently, babies in utero see rose colors when you lay out in the sun...who knew?



(beach babies circa 2004)

a couple of days after the beach trip, my tanned butt (along with brian, heather, and the biscuit) made its way down to wv for the wedding of my little brother chris to the little firecracker. i don't think i can find the words to describe how thrilled i am to have jen as part of our fold. jen rocks. she is sweet, funny, smart, a lover of all creatures, and an amazing woman. she's truly one of those people who can light up a room. a total catch. and little bro, of course, is no slouch himself.

i managed to offer a toast to them at the rehearsal dinner without losing my sh*t completely and dissolving into a puddle of tears (a big accomplishment for me, considering that i had not managed to do this at my sister's rehearsal dinner, wherein i had a bit of an emotional breakdown). anyhoo, the dinner was lovely and the wedding even more beautiful.

jen was one of those radiant brides who had a great time at her wedding and seemed to be more concerned with how everyone around her was doing rather than anyone "spoiling her special day" or any of that crap. of course, i did finally manage to lose it at the wedding....what can i say? i am a sucker for a photo montage. damn the background music and the dissolving frames! and why did they both have to be such cute kids? i was putty in their hands and can only pray that i didn't make too much of a blubbering fool of myself.

and here we are , back in brooklyn. the newlyweds are probably sunning their hides on a pebbly hawaiian beach as we speak. beth and the kids are still in morgantown, and my mom will head back to lake tahoe with them. i miss them already, as everytime i see them, they're different people. i feel like sadie had just warmed up to me (allowing me to soothe her, wrapping her little hand around my finger) and poof!! i am gone. it sucks, but such is life. hopefully, it will not be the better part of a year before we see each other again, so long as someone is a good traveller (max, i'm talking to you, buddy).

oh boy...

yes, we're having a max (not a neve as i had convinced myself). it's crazy, because more and more, i had been picturing a little max running around....or, actually, being mellow and chilling out with me and his dad and his cousins. who knows? perhaps my instincts will be off with that personality assessment, too, but let's hope that they are more on point this time (i have felt from the beginning that i would either give birth to a crazy-lady girl or a mellow, easy-going boy.)

as much as i do love the precocious, little city girl with the striped tights sagging at the ankles over the jumpers and the mussed ponytail from riding the subway, i have let that dream go this time around....because really, that was a dream about stuff. and if i am going to be completely honest, a dream about a little version of me (that maybe i could "get right" a second time around.) egotistical? yes. i need to allow this little bean the autonomy of being nothing but himself.

already a lesson learned. still, i do have a healthy dose of fantasy lurking within, of a mini-bdub this time, but one of those sweet city kids who is savvy yet compassionate, confident and independent yet lovin' his mama, and with a world view which we never knew as kids...one that i pray will make him a person who sees more beyond himself. i have also realized from talking with my kick-ass husband that i can still raise an ass-kicking, strong feminist....after all, i married one.

but enough about me. here's to you, max. keep on kickin'. your mama loves you.

merry new year!!

much to our surprise and delight, bdub and i did not attend any organized festivities on new year's eve. we forewent invitiations to house parties and to bars, and instead decided to take a walk.

that's it. just take a walk down to the water on grand avenue (aka grand ferry park) and ring in '08 drinking in the view of manhattan along with our champagne. we leashed the biscuit and packed our bag with the necessary things:






we strode passed the hipsters and house parties... the angry, drunken youths outside of the delis...the foodies loudly reviewing their new year's eve dinners ("everything was just ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS!" we heard one woman exclaim in front of aurora).

as we reached our destination, our hearts sunk as we discovered that our once adorable waterfront has been fenced off by developers. i am hopeful that this is just a temporary stay.

before:








today:








the biscuit was so dismayed that he couldn't even look:









onward we marched up to mccarren park where, with mere minutes to spare, we popped open our champagne,










counted down the seconds,









and rang in 2008 with a kiss. just us.









afterwards, we took the luckiest dog in brooklyn to the dog run.....which, truth be told, is a lot less fun when it's cold and damp and there are no other dogs to play with. the biscuit just kind of stared at us once we were within the gates, had himself a pee, and we leashed him back up again and made the walk home.

we ended our evening with snacks and a viewing of radiohead's little film "scotch mist" (current tv was showing the webcast...so no, we are not so nerdy that we snuggled up in front of our laptop on new year's eve to watch a radiohead webcast! but i digress...). pretty amazing, and i am not usually one to necessarily have my attention held by such things for such a length of time. i liked knowing that perhaps one band was doing its best to try to move the music industry in a different direction. this gave me hope for the future somehow.

so as i sit here typing away on january 2nd, reflecting upon what has felt like the holiday that will never end, i am sweating it a bit. i have ONE DAY of work on the books for 2008. of course, the nature of my job is generally sooo last minute with the bookings that 99% of the time i do not procure these until 24-72 hours ahead of time. thus, i need to relax...but i fear that i am beginning to get a little freaked out by this career of mine (and why didn't i schedule a trip somewhere this month? that always eases the pain of slowness). perhaps it's time i looked for work that is a little more reliable? somewhere between the hell that is teaching middle school kids and the bliss that is working days or weeks in a row on shoots?

eh. i dunno. i'm open for any/all suggestions or words of wisdom, though. of course, perhaps next week i will be booked up the wazoo and pining for my next day off. could be. rinse. dry. repeat.

every day's a holiday

the wolfeinelli's and our entourage of friendly beasts had quite the holiday this year. we embarked for west virginia on december 21, all presents and pet carriers. my sister was in with her husband, the inimitable matt, and my two little peanuts of a niece and nephew.

sadie and the biscuit seemed to carry on quite the love affair; much kissing ensued (after all, le bisquit *is* french).








jasper and i roughhoused. we spoke in robot voices. we acted in all manner of silliness (from jasper: "why did the spider crawl across the computer? he wanted to get to his website!"). i was declared his favorite aunt (take that!).






every family member was accounted for, if only for a day or two or even an hour or two in some cases. as we all create our own families (both chris and jay are recently engaged! woot!) and there is more distance between us, i do not take lightly the opportunities for us to be together. bdub and i did spend a couple of days here and there with our respective families of origin, but save some last minute changes of venue and work schedules, we balanced the tight rope of splitting our time without much ado. here we are listening to my FIL's band at the moose lodge:




(moose prices for a beer, an absolut and soda, a shot of maker's mark and a coca cola: $6 total. i am not kidding.)



we returned home to brooklyn on the 27th. on the 28th, i spent most of my actual birthday with the dean-assaels, where they fixed me a delicious dinner of thankfulness for our friendship (mock turkey, mashed potatoes and deanie's amazing green beans), and we opened our christmas gifts to each other. so fun. i love them dearly.

on the 29th, we convinced bdub's bff keith to come up to ny for the remainder of the holiday festivities. after hardly any arm twisting at all, keith changed his return ticket to L.A. and is currently chillaxin' on my couch. nothing could make me happier, truth be told.

that evening, my birthday party was held at the gutter bar in our 'hood, a bowling alley/bar with some serious old skool charm. rumor has it that the lanes and all bowling accoutrements were imported from an alley in the midwest. we arrived around 5 pm, decorated our little corner with streamers and balloons, laid out the beautiful cake that bdub got for me, and had some jack and gingers. aside from the alcohol, i felt about ten years old and i liked it! we bowled a couple of rounds and then ended our delightful evening with pizza and cake. it was truly the perfect birthday.












and on to new year's eve....we'll see what transpires. bdub's gig was cancelled at the last minute, so we actually have a new year's to do whatever we wish! i am pooped, so being lazy sounds very appealing right about now, but we will probably spend the evening with a couple of friends. my lovely friend, kelli white, has invited us over for what she describes is to be "a very mellow evening of good wine and good rock 'n roll" at her apartment. sounds perfect.

resolutions to come in a later post, but for now i feel only thankfulness for time spent with my family and loved ones, for another year and the wisdom it will (hopefully) bring, and for my love who truly is my most precious gift (so cheesy, so true).

christmas, christmas time is here

the christmas spirit is alive and well here at wolfeinelli inc (despite most of our decorations, such as our tree, being artificial in nature) and as for me, i have been a bit of a busy bee. which is nice. of course, most of my jobs have been editorial (read: low-paying) and i have been working almost entirely with the 8 months to 6 years old set, but i am not complaining. it is nice to be working again after an unexpected and unwanted hiatus.

during my downtime, i quite enjoyed doing a bit of christmas baking.






on the platter, clockwise from the top, we have peanut butter kisses, saltine toffee with pecans, buckeyes, chocolate cookies with white chocolate chips, macaroons, saltine toffee with almonds and walnuts, and mexican wedding cookies in the center. all have been taste-tested by bdub and given his stamp of approval. in fact, bdub was crucial to transferring the cookies into their containers, and taking care of any cookies that just weren't going to quite fit in their tupperware. come to think of it, i wonder what happened to those spare treats?

the biscuit developed a nasty case of hives on thursday afternoon...angry red spots on his bum, his ears, his muzzle. we made a vet appointment for friday morning and gave him a benadryl (which you can totally give to dogs: 1 mg of benadryl per pound of your dog's weight ). by morning, he was hive-free, so we cancelled the appointment. less than an hour later, the hives sprouted up again, but this time on his side and along his back, underneath the fur. another appointment was made for today, and again, the hives are gone. we went to the vet anyways, and are awaiting the results of blood and fecal tests. $245.00 well-spent? we shall see.

today is my catch-up day so as to feel released from holiday stress (ha!). we are doing laundry, and i am hoping to finish up some shopping, and prepare for our annual company party (our "company" being the two dudes bdub plays with regularly--chris "hotface" tarry and steve "stevie e" elliott and their lovely ladies).

the tradition of the musician's company party is a few years old, as we were all sitting around after a gig one december night circa 2005 and lamenting the fact that the boys have no corporate holiday party to attend, though they had many where they were to provide the entertainment. thus, our company holiday party was born.

this year, the party is tomorrow evening at wolfeinelli inc. and should prove to be a good time (hot buttered rum is on the menu). tomorrow afternoon, i am busting out the old flute for meredith dean-augustin's christmas concert. after a traumatic four and half years under the tutelage of this lady i have not played my flute in public since 1996, so this should prove interesting. i am confident, though, as i took the old girl (my flute, not my professor) out of her case and was pleased to discover that i can still rock some debussy! a true christmas miracle indeed.

a serious attitude adjustment

this nowlze has had a change of direction since her last blog post. after a day or so of wallowing in self-pity, i have done the following to get back onto the path of self-improvement:

-gone to the gym
-put up the holiday decorations
-put down some new rugs (always a sure-fire mood lifter)
-cleaned up a few piles of mouse poop
-sent out emails to my work peeps hoping to get a bite or two of a good test (test in the sense of "test shoot", or a collaborative photo shoot resulting in a few good prints for my sorely lacking portfolio).
-organized some inspirational makeup and photography looks to refer to at the above-mentioned impending tests.

what else can a nowlzie do?

le dub and i are going on a date tonight as well. this always perks me up. we're going to the mermaid inn. it's one of my all-time favorite date spots. i am already thinking about what i'd like to eat: probably some oysters, maybe the lobster chowder or yellowfin tuna tartare, and the grilled mahi mahi or spaghetti with shrimp and scallops. YUM.

i also love that they give you complimentary pudding for dessert (not that i ever leave room) and a fortune telling fish:



maybe mine will provide some insight as to when i will be busy again. natch.

we are also on the hunt for a fun post-dinner activity. there's not much in the way of music happening tonight, aside from the music of bdub's work-friends (fellow musicians), and to be honest, while i love to support bdub's peeps, it can be a lot of pressure and not totally relaxing (can you talk during their set? when is it ok to leave? is this work or is this fun?).

apologies for the most boring blog-post ever. for some better reading, allow me to link to the wonderfully insightful maiden voyage post of my sister's blog! i LOVE that i can keep tabs on my favorite west coast family (and learn a thing or to about not sweatin' it).