on motherhood...the first two months

(author's note: despite my musings below, the worst is over for your misanthropic friend. no more lonely nights until at least the second week of january! we even have new year's eve off and the lovely mags --aka the TRUE baby whisperer-- swooping in to catch us all. and furthermore, the help i have had from the women who care about me has been a gift for my soul and i am grateful. we are blessed...but in the name of keeping it real, read below.)



this motherhood business is hard. i am over being too ashamed or embarrassed or afraid to admit that. in fact, i don't know how anyone does this. i look at other women i know, some of them who seem fragile as glass or like they could be knocked over with a feather, and they have all done this and seem happier and stronger for it, which just makes me wonder more, "then what the hell is wrong with me?"

the people who care about me, even The Professional whom i go to for guidance at $150 a pop, seem to think it is really important --critical, even-- that i ask for help and communicate what i need. since my head has been a-whirl with so many thoughts ("time to feed, time to diaper, time to take out the dog, time to pump, time to sleep, can't sleep") and so much rumination (last week the light bulb gleamed brightly as i discovered that i have been stringing together events, oversights, wrongs, misgivings...ruminating to such a degree that i have been creating my own narrative, or so sayeth The Professional...so at this point, i must even question, "what is real? was this how this really went down?"), asking for help hasn't been easy.

i ask for help in my nowlze way: "so, like, if you wanted to stop over or something...i mean, if you'll be around...feel free. of course, no big deal if you can't. it's cool. but if you just wanted to hang out or whatever, we'll be here...." not surprisingly, my method has proven ineffective. what i really need is this:

-consistent, reliable, no strings attached help when i need it, usually between the hours of four and ten, wherein i can make specific requests and not feel bad about it, ideally, from my husband who would --could?-- ideally work less at night for much, much more money (and for the sake of realness, he is a peach when he's around..it's that being around part and need to make a living that get in the way)

more specifically, i need:

-to pee

-to let out my dog

-to take a nap

-companionship

-to feel like myself

-to be invited to things i would have been invited to pre-baby, even if there is no way in hell i will be able to attend

-some healthy food, chock full of vitamin b and omega 3's and iron (which the midwife reminds me is low, and that i really need to be getting if i am breastfeeding, along with an extra 500 calories a day MORE than i ate when i was pregnant)...and which last i checked are not contained within the wheat thins, panda black licorice, macaroni and cheese in the blue box or even the four day's worth of defrosted lasagna that i have been shoveling down.

-a glass of water (supposedly 8 ounces at every feeding session--ha!), the remote, my phone, the computer, and a comfy pillow within my reach when i sit down to breast feed

-conversation free of problem solving about how i am not sleeping, the drama in west virginia, other moms who are doing great or have overcome unimaginable obstacles, like having twins, or how antidepressants are nothing to be ashamed of and that maybe i am just a little bit low in the seratonin department and that they won't affect my breast feeding

-an apartment next door for my mom

-another car, or even a reliable car service

-spring time

-to feel normal again, upbeat, positive, loving towards everyone in my life and not just max

-to be told, by anyone in my life, "i am coming over and picking you up and wrapping you up in my little wing. we are going to get you out of your house and take you to my house where you will eat and rest. when you have had enough, i am taking you home. i won't take "no" for an answer. and don't worry about the fucking car seat-- i will deal with it. and we will be traveling by car and i won't pressure you to take the subway since i know you aren't ready for that yet.

or, we can stay at your place and i will not look at you funny or get all quiet or act like it is not annoying when max cries. it's annoying. i will leave you alone or i will take him, whatever you want. and when you're in the bedroom with him, i will chill or do your dishes or take out the biscuit or make you some tea...but i won't abandon you. i will stay, even if i just sleep in the next room. you can shut the door, but you are not alone. "