not so good.

today is not such a good day.

in fact, i believe that i have been putting off blogging since my last post due to the series of not so good days that have followed it. time to come clean.

i firmly believe that my career is in the toilet. i have compiled this list of jobs that have fallen through over the last few weeks (and, this is after waiting patiently for things to "pick up" at the new agency....to adjust, to allow for clients to get used to me at a new place, to get my new promotional materials in order. that was back in september. it is now january)

i have been busting my ass trying to find better photographers to do test shoots with. i have sent probably one hundred emails, i have put the word out to anyone and everyone that i know in the industry, asking them to keep me in mind should they know of anyone who is testing. for those of you who don't know, testing is usually free. it is done to improve the quality of one's work and to showcase your skill. it is done to build your portfolio. my potfolio looks dated and amateur due to the pool of photographers i have worked with (no offense, guys, if you're reading) as well as my hiatus from testing due to working with the kids, and is not up to snuff. it is imperative that i build it, but it's as if i am lost at sea when i comes to finding very professional, talented people to work with.

so here's the list:

12/30: spec shoot for an indie mag with promising photographer who contacted me. apparently she had "promised" a friend that they could do makeup on the shoot, so she called me to cancel.

1/5 and 1/6: look book (like a mini-catalog) with photographer who contacted me from via the internet, asked me if i was available for the job, set the rate, i agreed....and then she never contacted me again. i emailed her at the beginning of that week and was told that they got someone else and would contact me for work in the future. um, no thanks. i prefer to work with people who don't screw me at the last minute.

1/18: recommended by a friend for a kid's commercial. email the contact, they reply, i reply....then i don't hear another word from them. i email again asking if they still need me, and dude replies (out of NOWHERE), "i like to meet people before i work with them. you would have to meet with me first." i find this to be shady (which it is in my field, especially since this was never brought up until two days before the shoot date) so that job was also canned.

1/21-1/25: was contacted by a photographer's assistant (for a great photographer) about doing paid testing during this week. i agree and say i am available. never heard from them again.

1/23: photo editor from real simple called; had been trying to find me and wants to book me. i say i am available and to call david, my booker. my booker thinks i am doing the paid testing as mentioned above and tells her i am already booked.

1/24: got an email from a good friend and former photo editor at a kid's mag; she now works at a shopping mag. asked if i was available for the 24th to shoot the cover (which would require hair and makeup for one woman). i don't hear anything from her again, so i email her. she tells me that since i am represented as a kid's groomer, she feels uneasy booking me for this (it's her first cover with the new mag). i direct her to my website which has my makeup work on it (not just kids). i don't hear from her again and i don't get the job.

1/28-2/2: i was what is known as an "option" for a catalog shooting in miami during this week (this means that they asked to see my book and had me tentatively hold the days). worked with the client before, they requested my book again. i didn't accept work on the 29th for fear i would have to cancel at the last minute. needless to say, i did not get the catalog job. i am also out the tv job on the 29th.

what is going on with me?
is this a sign?
should i move it along?
start over?
work harder?
change trajectories?
did i make a huge mistake going with this agency?

i feel as if i am completely lost. just lost. i don't know what to do. i have money in the bank but i am so scared of it running out. i am way below what i was making last year at this time. not only am i not getting new jobs, i feel as if i am LOSING clients from jobs i have gotten in the past, and i don't understand it.

i work hard, i am punctual, i try to be as positive as possible on the job, i am helpful, i try for my work to be clean, precise, beautiful, neat, deep, and most importantly, whatever is called for by the client. i wrangle the kids on set (i wipe their noses and sing to them and make them smile). i try to take good care of whomever is in my chair. i am even nice to the stage moms who i want to punch half of the time (even when no one else is).

?