and i still don't recognize this person. not max-- max is max, an adorable creature who is wholly himself, replete with his own distinct giggle, voice, dimples, and tiny little fingernails that can pinch and scratch the living hell out of you.
i am talking about me. i don't know where i got the idea that growing a whole other person would not leave any physical, mental, or emotional scars. i look at my doughy belly, my saggy boobs spouting off (and i used to really love my boobs. really), and i don't recognize myself. i don't know why i thought something magical would happen to me at six weeks out, three months out...like i would be able to have sex and exercise all the time, and therefore would turn into some work-out crazed body-building nympho with a never-ending supply of energy (and milk, for that matter).
it's frustrating. not even so much to me, as to the people around me, i'm sure. like bdub. i find us in this cycle of bad day--then good day--then rolling with the "good day" which turns into, "so now that you're feeling better, let's go do something completely anxiety-producing to 'get you out there'"--which turns into "i feel pushed"--must retreat--i wish i didn't have to retreat--i feel bad about that--bad day...you get the idea (i hope).
i feel like i don't have any reserves left...of patience, of emotional stability, of sleep. i am tapped out, and i am afraid that anyone except for those who are the absolute closest people to me do not understand this. after all, it's been five months, and so what the hell is my problem, anyway?
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3 comments:
Nowlze, I TOTALLY understand, felt the exact same way at 5 months. Still do sometimes though it gets better all the time. Five months is really not that long in "mommy time", you're still at the beginning. And as long as you're breastfeeding, you've still got the hormones doing a number on your emotions. But it really does get a little better all the time. You stop nursing, and your hormones even out a bit (believe it or not you may even miss the breastfeeding a little once it's all over). Then he's one or so and you can start leaving him more with other people and getting yourself and your life back a little bit. Then he starts talking and cracking you up with the things he says, and the older they get the more they start becoming their own amazing people, and it's wonderful. But you're still going to have your heart crawling/walking/running around outside your body for the rest of your life, so of course you'll feel changed and more emotional. The person you're becoming is wiser, softer, too tired to play games or care about extraneous things, it challenges you and stretches you and makes you better than you were before.
oh beezie, i just love you.
Right back atcha, Mama!
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