THIS is it

finally, i can put into words what it is i am missing....the missing piece that has been plaguing me, even as i emerge lil' bit by lil' bit from my fragile bluebird-like shell.

i miss being carefree. even in my pre-babe bleak days of depression, i still was never a worrier. maybe i was ho-hum, but i was still ho-hum on the fancy-free side of things, if that makes any sense. i guess what i am trying to say is that my dreary days were more "fuck it" than "omg, i am totally worried about the state of things and therefore depressed".

but here i am, worried about the state of things. aside from a constant, nagging worry that i may be screwing up a fresh as snow little person who is thus far perfection, i am finding myself to be worried about the other stuff: the small stuff and the big stuff. regretting decisions made. wishing i had behaved differently. rationalizing. tangentializing (if that's even a word...). wishing away feelings, wishing away parts of my self. swamped with anxiety (ok...so maybe not swamped for the most part any more. but more often than not, feeling a little too overwhelmed to truly enjoy the moment).

and even when i am less-than-worried, i still can't seem to get a grip enough to be that carefree girl. and i loved that girl. i loved holding hands in the city, popping into this store or that cafe, hopping on and off of the train, not a care in the world. i long to be that girl again, with stroller and babe in tow this time, but i can't seem to get a foothold on that feeling again. what's missing? why is everything a minefield? an obstacle? something not to be dealt with (because i feel, maybe, that if i have to "deal" with one more thing i will just lose it, for real)?

what is the cure for this? time? i ask the mamas out there: do you ever feel truly carefree?