how i've missed you, little blog of mine

today i am all about the random thoughts.... so random, in fact, that i have barely been able to put together a coherent facebook status update. truly sad.

for example, on my way to work today, i observed a man kind of yelling at some guys who were stocking some items (produce maybe?) from a truck. i immediately thought, "hello, crazy" until i passed by the man in question and got a whiff. he smelled FANTASTIC. really, really nice, and i am generally not a huge fan of cologne, but this was spicy, woodsy, fresh-soapy all rolled into one. my friend rebecca pointed out to me that with the mentally incapacitated, hygiene is one of the first things to go, so perhaps i misjudged him.

random thought #2 is that i think i need to break up with the professional. it seems that lately when i find myself performing the juggling act of meeting my own needs, meeting my child's needs and taking care of business, this somehow ends up being put into question at therapy.

to whom am i comparing myself?
am i running away? can i not just enjoy my time with max?
do i come up with distractions? why?

and you know what? i'm a little done with that. is this truly helpful to me? when bdub was out of town last week, the boy and the biscuit and i high-tailed our butts up to beacon to hang with karadean and her boys. and no, i didn't want to be alone in my apartment with my 17 month old all day long for two days.

and we had a great time, and it meant a lot to my bff-since-9th-grade that we came up, despite the dog puking all over the back seat, and despite us needing to leave by 3:30 so we could beat the traffic.

so what am i running from? does it really matter? maybe i am running towards open arms that love me and want me and the boy and our dog who puked all over their brand new slate floors to sit down and stay awhile. i don't know why they would want us, because we are a bit of a sorry lot sometimes, and we cry and fuss and make a mess.....but i'll take it.

the photo below was taken by my dear friend, kelly jones. she is cool loveliness, very real and clearly a woman of many talents. this image knocks my socks off, takes my breath away, and rocks my world, all at once:

the mommy makeover, revisited

my brain, upon exiting the shower today:

"you know, the idea of a combination tummy tuck/breast lift/lipo value pack doesn't sound so bad right about now.

of course, i should really work out first, and save the big guns for anything that doesn't go back to normal after diet and exercise...like my boobs. i really used to love my boobs. now they just look like utters or feed bags, swingin' around. so sad.

and how unfair-- why couldn't it be that after breast feeding, one's boobs become truly extraordinary, even better than before? a mark and badge of honor of the strong work they did? why instead must they sag?"

and then my bod says to my brain:

"what's so great about 'before', anyway?"

and my brain comes up with a million and one girlish reasons...and i think of my sweet boy, and me. fifteen months later.

everything that seemed so fab about "before" kind of fades away in the wake of this new motherhood, this new family....and i realize that everything about "before" is still there, and can still happen, with some minor tweaks. and i let go.

my bod-- she's a smart old bird.